Tag Archives: dating in Cleveland

Fuck You Valentine’s Day – I Hate Dating

14 Feb

I’m 31, single and a dating blogger…. And I totally forgot Valentine’s Day was this week. Between work, dating, starting a book and my new-found addiction to the Walking Dead series (I’m always late to the party….) I had no idea it was almost here.

I’ve been so distracted that Valentine’s Day could’ve passed and I’d have been none the wiser. Readers of my dating blog would’ve missed out on an obligatory angst-ridden “I Hate Valentine’s Day” post had it not been for a certain guy in my life. He’s pretty… swell.

My ignorance was bliss. Until Monday night.

I hate valentines day

Even though I said no more dating lawyers, I continue to do so. They find me. I continue to give them chances. It never works out. Mostly because they fail to maintain a decent façade and I realize they’re a total asshole after a few dates. (Definition of insanity, I get it.)

I was set to embark on date #5 with this lawyer. I’ve been hesitant about him because his actions (out late every single night, has multiple ‘guys nights’ every week….) don’t say “I want to settle down.” He’s divorced, so it seems like he’s determined to make up for lost time. However, I genuinely enjoyed his company and our personalities mesh, so I wanted to be certain before I regrettably cast him out of the rotation (also known as – move on because in a week or two he’ll be onto the next big thing)

Last weekend we made plans for this Thursday (HE picked the day). Neither of us aware that it was Valentine’s Day.

valentines day fuck off

Monday night I receive a text from him around 1am (I’m a slight insomniac). The text read “Good night.” I was up watching Walking Dead on Netflix so I politely answered, “Good night to you too.” I thought he was just making a nice gesture. The rest goes as followed:

Lawyer: We are going out on vday….

Me: That’s funny. I totally didn’t realize it was Valentines Day.
(100 percent true – I actually wanted to spend Valentines Day with my best friend because that would’ve been fun and not subject to unnecessary awkwardness)

Lawyer:  Ok. So here’s how I see it. Neither of us knew. So let’s not infer anything. But let’s also not infer that either of us are being dicks.

Me:  Why would either of us be a dick?

Lawyer: I don’t know….

Lawyer:  Damn. I hate dating.

Me:  Considering Valentines Day wasn’t even on my radar, I don’t believe either of us inferred anything.

Lawyer:  Good. I’ll still plan a nice night.

Gee, thanks. Is it wrong to feel insulted? I did.

I wouldn’t have inferred anything because we’re still getting to know each other. The notion that he felt compelled to send that text and couldn’t just leave well enough alone lets me infer a few things…

And he’s the one who hates dating? But it gets better.

I was debating whether or not to cancel, but he made the decision for me on Wednesday (the day before Valentines Day).  He claimed he’s bogged down with work and we need to reschedule.I promise you, he’s not ‘working late.’

Hey asshole – you just left me hanging on Valentine’s Day. Well, now I definitely ‘infer’ something – you’re an ass.

In other news, according to Jezebel.com my vagina is worth $257 on Valentine’s Day. The price is based on the level of commitment and a single vagina is worth the most. If you’re a single woman on Valentine’s Day, your date should fork over $257 to get laid. Committed vaginas must settle for $180. I’m not making this shit up. I guess that means as far as Valentine’s Day is concerned, my vagina is worthless.

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Endless days of Summer – Dating rules are meant to be broken

8 Aug

Since Lake Erie leaves quite a bit to be desired, I spend most of my weekends lounging poolside at my apartment complex. What could be better than spending the day tanning, gossiping with my best friend and drinking massive quantities of vodka without having to worry about driving, fixing my hair or even showering?

apartment pool

Oh yeah.. where the magic happens in Cleveland. Or at least really drunk Saturday afternoons happen here.

The fates of dating went easy on me this summer and allow me to partake in my two favorite pastimes simultaneously – dating and tanning. Imagine my shock when an irresistibly attractive male (who happens to be friends with my friends & has lived in the complex for almost a year, but I’ve never met him) sat next to me at the pool last month. After a few days spent chatting by the water, he asked me to dinner (third favorite pastime.. score).

Our first date was a success. So, what did we plan for our second date? A three day trip to Chicago. A weekend getaway with someone I just met had the potential to go amazingly well or terribly awful. I took my chances. Considering we had mutual friends, I knew he was harmless. Plus, even if it was dreadful, at least I’d have a funny blog post.

72 non-stop hours together certainly gave us an opportunity to get to know one another right off the bat. Let me tell you, an impromptu weekend trip with someone you just met is not for the timid. Here are a few examples of how even the best laid plans for a (72 hour) second date can easily go awry:

• He instantly saw me at my worst. No makeup, frizzy hair and eye boogers. Add a hangover & allergy attack on top of that. Sexy.
• I felt obligated to sleep in a bra.
• I snore sometimes. Even worse, I’ve been told I talk in my sleep on occasion.
• Oh yeah, sometimes I drool too.
• I’m a disorganized mess. (This was evident the moment I began to unpack.)
• Pooping. I was petrified to poop in the bathroom and stink up the small hotel room. Therefore, I strategically timed bathroom breaks while in restaurants and stores.
• Farting. Seriously, you can only hold them in for so long…
• A 7 hour car ride has potential for drawn-out, awkward silences and fighting over music selection. He could’ve been a Coldplay fan or insisted we listen to whatever latest “hits” station that plays that damn “We Are Young” song every fifteen minutes.
• What happens if I drink too much and puke? Ugh…. I always puke.
• Where the fuck will I sleep? His bed? Stay in my own? If the weekend is going good for one person, but not the other… sleeping arrangements could prove problematic.
• If I hop into bed with him, how far do I want it to go? If I have sex with him, what happens if it’s shitty? Am I stuck spending the remaining night or two pretending to have my period?
• What if he turns out to be a Republican? Or doesn’t find Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm funny?
• He will think I’m weird. There’s no getting around that. It’s comes down to how well he can tolerate it.
• In a 72 hour time period, it is inevitable that I will do at least two extremely embarrassing things and blurt out at least four regrettable statements.

There’s something to be said for putting yourself out there right away. I knew the long weekend would be a deciding factor – either we’d really hit it off or we would return home cringing at the thought of one more minute together.

prittay good

The weekend was memorable and  awkward moments were minimal. Thankfully, it turned out that we were pretty damn fond of each other. And a month and a half later – we still are.

With my lengthy record of bad dating ideas, a 72 hour second date could’ve been a massive disaster. It wasn’t. See? I’m proof that one time out of a thousand…. everything can go perfect for us all.

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Cleveland Dating Disasters – Dude, You Ruined My Couch!

23 Jul

Anyone know of a decent upholstery cleaner in the Cleveland area?

I recently dated another run-of-the-mill yuppie Cleveland douchebag guy from Match.com. He owned a nice boat and I had some time to kill, so I just went with it. If you’re gonna date around like I do, it’s never a bad idea to keep at least one boat owner in circulation. You know?

I'm on a boat

I’m on a boat

My friends and I went out on his boat a few times (my way of saying “thanks for listening to all my shit.”). Plus, he took me to some nice restaurants. I tried to like the guy, but in reality he pretty much just sucked. He sucked at conversation. He sucked at kissing. He sucked in bed. He sucked at returning texts/calls. He loved wearing salmon-colored shirts. Seriously, he just sucked.

He came over to watch a movie with me one night. We were lying on my couch and out of nowhere he began to sweat profusely. Not just a little perspiration, he was virtually drowning in his own sweat. I couldn’t bear to lay next to him since his sweat was soaking into my clothes.

Wet Guy

Wet Man

I forced him to lie on the other end of the couch with his head by my feet. His skin had turned bright red and was secreting more fluid than I’m sure is humanly possible. It was like he ran a marathon.. in South Florida… in August. Or I cranked the heat up to 100 degrees in my apartment and we had some hot love making session (yeah, right). But no, we were just watching some movie where George Clooney’s wife dies.

Making him move did little to alleviate my discomfort and disgust. I could feel heat radiating off his boiling skin. I cranked up my air conditioning to the point that I was shivering under a blanket, but he just kept sweating away. I had to get him out, so I did what anyone in my situation would’ve done and faked sickness. I used the always reliable headache/nauseous ailment. It wasn’t a total lie, the thought of Mr. Secretion spending the night with me & sweating up my bed was making my stomach turn. It worked – after the movie he went home and I went to bed (Way to go Summer!).

As I sipped my coffee on the couch the next morning, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the pungent scent of man-sweat. The foul smell sent me running for the Febreeze. As I doused my couch with stench repellant, I couldn’t help but notice the sun shining directly on a brown stain that formed an exact outline of Mr. Secretion’s head. oozing

I stood in disbelief – he oozed all over my beloved couch.

It’s been a little over a month since we’ve spoken. The aftermath of his seeping secretions lingers on. An outline of a sweaty head remains and if you dare put your nose near the soft and cushy armrest, you’ll be greeted by an unpleasant odor. Like the scent of skunk, it’s nearly impossible to fully get rid of!  So, out of this relationship… I got a few boat rides, some bad makeout sessions… and an eventual bill to have my couch professionally cleaned.

I’ve done worse.

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Online Dating Delights – Seeing your ex boyfriend on Match.com

6 May

Sometimes Match.com finds you match, who according to them is “Singled Out Just For You!” They highlight the profile on a special full page spread so you’re certain to take notice.

The other morning, Match.com “Singled Out” my ex Sam just for me. Thanks Match.com. Seriously, is there anything worse than seeing a recent ex on an online dating site? As if the Cleveland dating profiles I’m forced to dredge through aren’t upsetting enough!

I’m not going to lie – when he sprung up and filled my screen, my stomach plunged. His profile picture (which doesn’t illustrate the fact that he is severely balding at an alarming rate) was not what I expected to see as I innocuously sipped my morning coffee. I felt like throwing up.

Even better, Match.com won’t allow users to block a match from the “Singled Out” page. I was forced to search for his profile AGAIN to permanently remove him from potential matches. You know, because that was exactly how I wanted to spend a quiet Saturday morning.

Watch out Cleveland women – this deceitful two-faced Cleveland single man is on the prowl once more. dating a liar

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Sex on the third date – “Everyone does it. Just Google it.”

29 Apr

Sex on the third date? Despite the crap I love to talk, I’m not a “sex on the third date” kind of girl. This was a tough concept for a new guy to grasp.

On our 3rd date, Matt invited himself up to my place because he had to use the bathroom. After relieving himself, he joined me on the couch to watch some rerun of The Office. We began making out and after a few minutes he suggested we move to my bedroom. I replied “It’s way too soon to hook up.” True, I’ve spent a total of six or seven hours with the guy. Not quite enough time for him to hop on top of me and start humping away. sex toy

Matt immediately pulled back. Then, he proceeded to fold his arms and pout silently like a five year old child that was denied a puppy. After a few uncomfortable minutes of silence he declared he had to leave. I wasn’t about to stop him. I’m far from a prude, but I also like to be aware of the man’s intentions before becoming intimate. Matt  made his blatantly obvious.

A few minutes after his less than chivalrous exit, I received a text reading “I’m sorry but we aren’t a good match. Good luck with whatever you’re looking for.” Mind you, until this point our dates were going rather well. I enjoyed his company and it seemed like he enjoyed mine. I answer “Ok, well maybe next time you should find another 20-year-old who puts out right away. Or hire a prostitute.”

Ten minutes after he left, he called. I gave in and picked up. Mostly because I was curious how he could possibly defend his “If you won’t have sex with me, I’m outta here” stance. Here are some highlights from our conversation:

“Everyone has sex on the third date. Everyone does it. Just Google it.”
“Being exclusive comes after sex. But, I want to be exclusive with you.”
“I felt such a strong chemistry with you. I haven’t felt this way about someone in awhile.” Yeah, that’s why you just dumped me for not sleeping with you.
“Every long term relationship I had began with sex on the first date.”

sex toy

Correct me if I’m wrong (or old-fashioned), but I like to believe if you genuinely like someone you’d be willing to wait a bit longer for sex to enter the picture. Who wants to do it with someone who isn’t comfortable anyhow? It’s creepy. There’s no set amount of time to wait, but both partners need to be willing and ready. Sex isn’t sexy under pressure and a skewed sense of obligation.

Nonetheless, I’m curious for some reader opinions….. Is sex on the third date expected? Is this the new norm?

Enlighten me please!!

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Cleveland dating – Easy ways to ruin a date

28 Apr

Cleveland Dating – Easy ways to ruin a date

Part one in an infinite series.
It’s easy to ruin a date. Here’s how two recent Cleveland men managed to ruin a first date by speaking only a single sentence.

1. “That dude was totally checking out those ‘cans’ of yours.”

Spoken on a first date by a lawyer who apparently had me mistaken for one of his “brahs.” Ick. Never use a slang sexual term for a woman’s body part on the first date. The mentioning of specific sexual body parts (breasts or vagina) is gross until the two of you have done the deed or at least gotten REALLY close. Same goes for the slangy sex terms. Speaking about a female’s vagina or boobs before the first kiss is an easy way to send her running for the hills (while she repeatedly looks back to make sure you aren’t trailing behind).  hey brah

It’s not like I sit around and make comments about your nut-sack “brah.”

2. “Seeing a movie costs $12 and that’s way too much for a movie. I prefer to wait until it comes out on DVD.”

Spoken on a first date by a guy who was clearly unashamed of his frugal ways. Another simple way to ruin a date is complaining about prices of dates to your date. Especially when it’s a $12 movie ticket. Yes, I wanted to go to a movie that night. My penny-pinching date couldn’t stomach the thought of it.

I’m not requesting a trip to Paris, I just wanted to see 21 Jump Street dude. It’s not how much money a man makes, it just matters that he’s not totally tightfisted with his cash. And this particular miserly man made a decent buck. On top of that, he knew I was dieting so he was free and clear of having to purchase popcorn.
Date over.

movie theater

Dinner and a movie? No movie for you!

So there you go folks – two easy ways to ruin a date. These also work as helpful ideas for engaging in date sabotage (getting out of a date with a woman or man you’re not that into).

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A disclaimer to all Cleveland singles

19 Apr

For entertainment value, I primarily discuss bad dates. Writing about my disasters on the Cleveland dating scene isn’t meant to cause any single man or woman to devote Friday nights to watching DVR marathons of 16 and Pregnant.

Truth be told, there have been nice dates in my mix. Some of them didn’t click and some did. I simply don’t divulge their details because no one wants to read “Last night, Bob and I dined at Hyde Park. What a lovely date. As we shared a slice of cheesecake, I realized that Bob had the most ravishing smile. Tall, dark and handsome? Talk about a perfect date!” (Note: this never happened.)

I won’t deny that it’s tough navigating the Cleveland dating world after thirty. Dating is an exhausting endeavor that injects an unwanted element of drama into our already stressful day-to-day lives. There are a ton of walking catastrophes creeping around on the Cleveland singles scene and you’re bound to run into them. However, if you take (lots of) time to sift through the muck – I promise there are some nice guys (and ladies) still out there. Finding the ones that “click” is a different story.
Cleveland, OH

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Nerd dating in Cleveland

13 Apr

According to my nerd-dating sister, I need to date the nerdy men because they are nicer.
Trying to heed this dating advice, I gave nerd dating shot. I went out with Kirk. While attractive enough to feed my shallow side, he was a little on the nerdy side. So, what did I learn from this Cleveland nerd?

The silent ones can be just as deadly.

Take Kirk for example. After our second date, I knew it was headed nowhere. He was fairly attractive, successful, super tall, but everything about this man was awkward. I wanted to like him, I tried to like him.. I didn’t like him. Absolutely zero chemistry. After Date 2, I longed to cut ties. The only problem was on our first date I promised to attend a charity event with him the following week. Begrudgingly, I succumbed to a third date.

Kirk lied about the charity event and led me to believe it was going to be a nice affair. Imagine my surprise when we pull up to a smelly VFW hall with rusty chairs and yellow, nicotine stained walls. Since I was trapped, I tried to make the most of it by drinking copious amounts of room temperature Chardonnay. Kirk followed suit with warm draft beer. After a few beers, Awkward Kirk became downright embarrassing and weird.

We were at a table with a bunch of strangers aged 25-35 years. Awkward like always, Kirk tried to amuse our tablemates with horribly cheesy jokes and trying to convince everyone to start up a “USA” chant (WTH?). No one laughed. He was trying way too hard to impress everyone instead of just acting like a normal human being.

So embarrassing.

Our date took an unnerving turn when an old female friend of his stopped by our table. This woman innocently mentions that she never had a sip of alcohol until she turned 25. Good ol’ Kirk chimes in “Yeah, then she just started opening her legs like crazy. She’s been spreading her legs all over town ever since. Haha.. she just can’t stop banging everyone.” The way he said this sent shivers down my spine. Not only was it creepy, it seemed almost vindictive, like maybe there was a past with this girl. Who knows?! It was disturbing.

The table fell into an uncomfortable silence. No one mentioned sex. His sex comment came totally out of left field. I had to protect my dignity, so I snapped at him in front of everyone, “Why the hell would you say that? That’s insanely creepy. Seriously, I’m creeped out right now.”

Will hung his head and apologized. The freaky fun didn’t end there. About an hour later, I spilled water on my chest. No big deal. Except Will found it necessary to loudly interject “Whoa.. you just spilled that water all over your tits. All over them tits.”

Tits? Gross. My response was “Time to go.”

I had absolutely no physical contact with this dude. No hand holding, no kissing.. nothing. For him to make any comment regarding my tits was just plain out strange and disturbingly inappropriate.

Rule of thumb – no sexual comments regarding my boobs or anything else unless we’ve had sex!

Closet pervert? Like they say… it’s always the quiet ones….
Nerds may not be not for me.
nerd dating

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Square One

14 Mar

I surrendered to another year of living solo in my apartment. I re-signed my lease today. It seems so…. final.

Upon moving in to my apartment, I hesitantly signed an 18 month lease in order to get a discount on my ridiculously overpriced pad (with the fireplace I had to have, but never used). I figured that was the total amount of time I’d live here. Why? I assumed that within a year and a half, I would meet my Prince Charming and the two of us would be shacking up somewhere together by now (maybe even here). After all the drama I encountered moving from FL back to Cleveland, I deserved to fall in love. I earned it. Clearly, life had other plans.
Life didn’t agree. Thanks a lot life.

In the past eighteen months, I battled with two failed relationships, endured dates with at least 15-20 different guys and now I’m back at square one. I’m signing my lease all over again. I just started on Match.com again. Let me say, I am not looking forward to reentering the Cleveland dating scene. A slew of awkward first dates are already on the horizon waiting to fill up my schedule.

If I’m dreading the dates so much, you may wonder why I bother. It’s because I don’t know if the next random date might hold the right guy for me. The only way to meet my “Mr. Right” is to put myself out there and try – even if I’m completely over the whole nerve-wracking first date interview process.

lowered expectations

Cleveland men

Plus, I don’t want to turn into a crazy sixty-year-old woman who hoards smelly dogs to make up for the absence of a husband/lover. This is why I don’t give up on dating.

Resigning my lease served to reaffirm the notion that my dating endeavors were completely unsuccessful. I didn’t gain a good boyfriend, but I DID gain a ton of funny stories and got to try a bunch of new restaurants. That my friends is better than nothing. Although the last 18 months of dating were futile, they were still worthwhile.

I don’t even know my point here, but I’m prepping myself for another year at good ol’ (insert really stupid complex name here). It could be worse – I do have a pretty sweet place. And if this year at my apartment is anything like the previous one, it’s guaranteed to be anything but dull.

On the bright side, I don’t have to worry about repainting the red walls yet. And my dog likes it here.

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Cleveland Bachelor of the week – He loves hooters

9 Mar

While combing through the desolate remains of Cleveland’s most eligible on eHarmony, I came across this package of greatness.  Hailing from a west side suburb, this Cleveland single  likes lounging poolside, sports and movies.  He also loves hooters. He doesn’t try to hide this as you’ll notice in the photo below. Oh yeah, this was his only photo.

So ladies – if you’re ready for a man with multiple children and an blatant affinity for breasts, this guy is for you. Score extra points by stuffing some chicken cutlets into your push-up and you can’t lose.

I love boobs, breasts and hooters

He loves hooters. Bonus points for his honesty.

Really want to knock his socks off?  Suggest that new chain Tilted Kilt for your first date.

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