My Netflix Queue of Shame

16 Feb

Fuck the eyes. If you want a true window to someone’s soul, just peek at their Netflix Instant Queue.

i think we're alone now documentary

Netflix subscribers face a harsh challenge of combing through a paltry list of “B” movies, old TV shows (most were cancelled for a reason) and bizarre documentaries to find something that won’t make them a) fall asleep, b) cringe or c) masturbate to porn for the third time that day.

family ties tv show

“I really miss watching Family Ties” says no one ever.

Subscribing to Netflix is like joining an online dating site. Upon signing up for eHarmony, Match.com or OkCupid, your head is spinning with the promise of unlimited possibilities. Once you’ve paid and start browsing, reality sets in. You longed for classics like “Forest Gump,” “Shawshank Redeption,” or “Casablanca,” but instead you got “Extreme Couponing Season 1,” “Bridezillas,” “Home Alone 3,” “Nacho Libre,” “Family Ties,” and fifty documentaries about organic food.

Since Netflix subscribers fill their instant queues with the best of the worst – the results can be hilarious …and telling.

I often forget the extreme awfulness that is my Netflix Instant Queue. That is, until there’s a guy at my place and I suggest we find a movie on Netflix. I flip on Netflix Instant and immediately realize the damage I’ve done. The expression on my date’s face is usually a mix of disgust, worry and trying to abstain from laughing at me.

Here’s a brief list of what lurks in my Netflix queue. What does it say about me? Feel free to draw your own conclusions. But if yours is anything like mine, it’s better to keep it under wraps.

My Netflix Queue of Shame

american-horror-story-tvArrested Development
Breaking Bad
The Walking Dead
Dawson’s Creek
American Horror Story
Twin Peaks
Melrose Place

Strange Sex
After Porn Ends
Science of Sex Appeal
The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia
I Think We’re Alone Now
Winnebago Man
Commune
Confessions of a Superhero
I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK
i'm a cyborg movie
Lord, Save Us From Your Followers
Dirty Money: The Business of High End Prostitution
Price of Pleasure
A Complete History of My Sexual Failures
Solitary Confinement
Grizzly Man
Gasland
Infested
Hippie Masala
Science of Dogs

Dawsons-creek-tv

Harold and Maude
Midnight Cowboy
Drugstore Cowboy
Blue Valentine
The Human Centipede 1 & 2

human centipede
Planes Trains & Automobiles
Pumpkin
Momento
Rosemary’s Baby
Adaption
Young Adult
Bruno
The Hours

Sasha Baron Cohen

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Fuck You Valentine’s Day – I Hate Dating

14 Feb

I’m 31, single and a dating blogger…. And I totally forgot Valentine’s Day was this week. Between work, dating, starting a book and my new-found addiction to the Walking Dead series (I’m always late to the party….) I had no idea it was almost here.

I’ve been so distracted that Valentine’s Day could’ve passed and I’d have been none the wiser. Readers of my dating blog would’ve missed out on an obligatory angst-ridden “I Hate Valentine’s Day” post had it not been for a certain guy in my life. He’s pretty… swell.

My ignorance was bliss. Until Monday night.

I hate valentines day

Even though I said no more dating lawyers, I continue to do so. They find me. I continue to give them chances. It never works out. Mostly because they fail to maintain a decent façade and I realize they’re a total asshole after a few dates. (Definition of insanity, I get it.)

I was set to embark on date #5 with this lawyer. I’ve been hesitant about him because his actions (out late every single night, has multiple ‘guys nights’ every week….) don’t say “I want to settle down.” He’s divorced, so it seems like he’s determined to make up for lost time. However, I genuinely enjoyed his company and our personalities mesh, so I wanted to be certain before I regrettably cast him out of the rotation (also known as – move on because in a week or two he’ll be onto the next big thing)

Last weekend we made plans for this Thursday (HE picked the day). Neither of us aware that it was Valentine’s Day.

valentines day fuck off

Monday night I receive a text from him around 1am (I’m a slight insomniac). The text read “Good night.” I was up watching Walking Dead on Netflix so I politely answered, “Good night to you too.” I thought he was just making a nice gesture. The rest goes as followed:

Lawyer: We are going out on vday….

Me: That’s funny. I totally didn’t realize it was Valentines Day.
(100 percent true – I actually wanted to spend Valentines Day with my best friend because that would’ve been fun and not subject to unnecessary awkwardness)

Lawyer:  Ok. So here’s how I see it. Neither of us knew. So let’s not infer anything. But let’s also not infer that either of us are being dicks.

Me:  Why would either of us be a dick?

Lawyer: I don’t know….

Lawyer:  Damn. I hate dating.

Me:  Considering Valentines Day wasn’t even on my radar, I don’t believe either of us inferred anything.

Lawyer:  Good. I’ll still plan a nice night.

Gee, thanks. Is it wrong to feel insulted? I did.

I wouldn’t have inferred anything because we’re still getting to know each other. The notion that he felt compelled to send that text and couldn’t just leave well enough alone lets me infer a few things…

And he’s the one who hates dating? But it gets better.

I was debating whether or not to cancel, but he made the decision for me on Wednesday (the day before Valentines Day).  He claimed he’s bogged down with work and we need to reschedule.I promise you, he’s not ‘working late.’

Hey asshole – you just left me hanging on Valentine’s Day. Well, now I definitely ‘infer’ something – you’re an ass.

In other news, according to Jezebel.com my vagina is worth $257 on Valentine’s Day. The price is based on the level of commitment and a single vagina is worth the most. If you’re a single woman on Valentine’s Day, your date should fork over $257 to get laid. Committed vaginas must settle for $180. I’m not making this shit up. I guess that means as far as Valentine’s Day is concerned, my vagina is worthless.

Dating a Cheap Man: Number One Cause of Vaginal Dryness

11 Feb

“Tell me more about the money you saved by not eating in restaurants. It’s really getting me hot,” SAID NO WOMAN EVER.

Seriously guys – don’t be cheap. Before you ask a woman on a date, loosen that death grip on your wallet and PLEASE, PLEASE don’t brag about your frugal lifestyle. Believe me, we are not impressed.

So… I went on a date with this Match.com guy, let’s just call him El Cheapo (it’s more fitting than anything else). Allow me to preface this story by telling you that El Cheapo is a medical device sales rep who makes close to six-figures. Cheap has nothing to do with income level and everything to do with a fatal personality flaw. Cheap = undateable. Cheap boyfriend

El Cheapo called the night before and suggested we meet at the Greenhouse Tavern. For any non-Clevelanders reading this, the Greenhouse Tavern is one of the top restaurants in Cleveland. You can’t NOT eat at Greenhouse Tavern. Well, unless you’re El Cheapo. I don’t think he was planning on dinner.

If he just wanted to meet for a drink, he could’ve suggested more bar and less restaurant. Selecting one of the best restaurants in Cleveland and expecting me to sit there and watch everyone else chow down is cruel and unusual punishment. I wasn’t having it, so I took the reins and insisted we get a table because I was hungry.

He tried to change his tune, “Wow. I’m kind of relieved that you’re hungry. I just planned to sit at the bar. But we can eat.”

Damn right we’re eating. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he wasn’t cheap. Maybe the cheap vibe he was exuding was totally my head. It wasn’t.

On top of suggesting that I get the cheapest entrée on the menu (burger), El Cheapo spent a hefty chunk of time discussing his finances and his rapidly growing bank account. And let me tell you, he’s very proud of his bloated savings account. He told me that more than once.

cheap ass

Does this turn you on?

“I’m the most frugal guy I know,” he boasted. “Every month I set a budget for how much I can spend on entertainment. If I go over my budget, I have to lay low the next month.” He continued to brag about his fiscally conservative ways and how he managed to teach his sisters to cut corners and they now save an additional $500 per month.

Oh, he also told a riveting story involving a bad date at a wine festival. I’m not sure what else happened on his ‘bad date story,’ but I do know that the tickets cost $50 each. He mentioned that like ten times.

When I first laid eyes on El Cheapo, I wondered why he was single. The man is extremely tall, attractive, and intelligent with a good job. But wow, he’s a miserly fellow! Financial responsibility is good, but when penny-pinching dominates a first date conversation – there’s a huge problem.

El Cheapo doesn’t have his own place at 35. He lives with his cousin in a 2 bedroom apartment (not even a house) because it “saves so much money.”

Surprisingly El Cheapo willingly paid for dinner. (Note: I purposely didn’t select an expensive entrée and ordered only one drink, so it wasn’t an expensive tab. I didn’t want it to be. I was turned off and just wanted to leave.)

Our date occurred on a 20-degree night with wicked wind gusts. The sidewalks were covered by a lovely sheet of ice and where does he park? Over by West 6th somewhere because he didn’t want to pay higher rates due to the Cavs game. I paid $10 bucks to park a block away – which is nothing. How much money could he have possibly saved?? A broken leg due to falling on ice during his long trek back could cost him much more.

Frugal menGuys, you need not be rich. Just don’t be so prudent with your cash that it’s impractical. Thriftiness does not get our juices flowing. El Cheapo was incredibly attractive, yet I’ve never been so turned off.

He asked me on a second date, but I must decline. I don’t care to hear anymore about his adventures in frugality. (Seriously, what guy brags about his cheapness on a first date?)

Want to Impress a Woman? It’s Simple

3 Feb

Online dating can certainly wear a girl out. This time I’m taking it easy… or at least trying to. This means staying off of Match.com for weeks at a time and letting the current crop of men weed themselves out. Normally, there’s a fatal flaw in each of them (or they weed me out) so the elimination process moves along fairly smoothly.

So far, one guy hasn’t weeded himself out. He was the first man I went out with upon my fateful return to Match.com. He isn’t my typical type – a tad nerdy, much quieter than my usual boisterous jerky breed and he’s also way smarter than I am. Believe me, I’m not dumb by any means, his intelligence level happens to be much higher.

I love olives

He won me over on the third date. How? He gave me the olives out of his martini.

Sounds silly, right? I’m excited over a couple of olives. Did I mention they were stuffed with bleu cheese? Really, is there anything better than a salty, juicy olive packed with sharp bleu cheese? There isn’t.

I fucking love olives. Adore them to the point where I’ll sit in front of my television with a jar of olives and a fork and go to town. Certain times of the month I’m overcome with an insatiable craving for salt. Olives satisfy this. The other week Giant Eagle had jars of olives on sale for $1 each. I won’t mention how many jars were purchased, but let’s just say I’m set on olives for quite some time.

bleu cheese olives

Orgasmic.

Back to the doctor and his keen ability to woo me with olives. During dinner, he ordered a dirty martini and immediately asks if I’d like his olives. Of course I took one, but insisted that he eat the other. He admitted to enjoying olives, but noted that he ordered the dirty because he knows my bizarre fondness for olives, so he wanted to give them to me. I couldn’t argue. I’ve since learned he’s an olive lover as well – which makes the gesture even sweeter.

The next afternoon, I was scrounging around the fridge for olives (a normal routine). As I popped the jar and stuck a fork in one, I remembered his olive offering from previous night. Made me smile all over again. Willingly handing over your blue cheese stuffed olives is a mighty sacrifice. I guess that means he’s worth keeping around?

Why You Aren’t Getting a Third Date

3 Feb

Why you’re not getting a 3rd date

third-date-rule

1. Our first date consisted of a 30 minute lunch. A lunch date isn’t bad idea, particularly for a first date. Lunch dates enable both parties to make a quick assessment without the risk of enduring a prolonged dinner. Otherwise known as, do you look like your pictures or not?

2. Our second date consisted of a movie – and soda or popcorn weren’t offered. We met for the movie and conversed for a total of 10 minutes over the course of the date. Essentially, the total time we spent talking was about 40 minutes over two dates.

3. For the 3rd date, you suggest that I come to your place and watch the new episodes of Shameless. Are you fucking kidding me? For the record, I’ve already seen them. Then you asked a few more times if I wanted to come over.  There was never any, “Maybe we can grab dinner or a drink this week.” Just, “Let me know if you ever wanna stop by.”

And that my dear, is why there will be no third date.

Seriously, this might be the lamest way a man has ever tried to cash in on the “third date rule.”

Talk about shameless.

A Bit of Dating Advice: Stop Using LOL. Really, Just Stop.

27 Jan

If you use “LOL” in a non-ironic fashion, I can’t date you.

It’s staggering how many men over 30 pepper their online dating profiles, emails and texts with “LOL” or “LMAO,” etc. Not only are they using outdated text message lingo designed for teenagers, they aren’t even using it properly!

LOL guy

Stop saying LOL

Note the following examples from Match.com profiles/messages:

“I hope you enjoy romance, wit, and drinking good beer lol.”
“How’s your weekend been? Mine’s been lazy. LOL.”
“I believe everyone has a soul mate. I hope to find her soon lol.”
“Willing to say we met in a grocery store lmao.”
“Sometimes I enjoy relaxing with a good movie lol lame.”

Quick refresher – LOL is short for laugh out loud. It’s not the latest punctuation mark. You don’t just pop it into the end of random sentences.

None of the phrases above even warrant a “LOL.” Why is it so funny that you hope to find your soul mate? Does having a lazy weekend literally cause you to crack up uncontrollably? If thinking about relaxing with a good movie or downing craft beer is forcing you to erupt in hysterical laughter, I can only assume you’re either high on drugs, mentally slow or fucked up in the head.

“LOL” use is NEVER casual. LOLers can’t contain themselves. Once “LOL” rears its ugly head, you can be damned sure millions more will follow. Tell someone you had a busy day and can’t wait to veg out under a blanket, you’ll be met with an “LOL.” Suggest a new restaurant for dinner and the likely response will be, “LMAO. Sounds great.”

Whoever said that it’s hard to get to know someone through text messaging was wrong. I can tell plenty about a person from the moment a “LOL” or “LMAO” appears on my phone screen.

Before text language became standard, I used to think “LOL” meant “loser online.” Seriously. It’s more fitting.

Anyways, if you’re over the age of 27, stop saying “LOL.” You sound like a dumb ass.

*Emoticons are tolerable with limited usage.

Dating in the 1980’s

22 Jan

Ever wonder what dating was like in the 1980’s? Me neither. But if you’ve pondered the dating disasters of those singles before us, this 80’s Video Dating Montage paints a pretty clear picture.

Women in the 80’s enjoyed the same creep-factor that one would expect to find on Match.com or eHarmony today. Only these winners sported insanely high waistbands, revolting mustaches and random viking costumes.

Dating hasn’t changed much in the past 30 years. Same freaks, different decade.

“I’m looking for the goddess. Are you the goddess? Who’s the goddess?”
“Life is a playground and I want someone to play with.”

One man likes bright socks and is an avid Cleveland Browns fan. Wonder if he’s still in town and available? Nah.. he would’ve already contacted me on Match.com.

The End of Courtship – Are We Really Done With Dating?

15 Jan

Are we really done with dating?

Is the new style of dating “one step below a date, and one step above a high-five?” According to a New York Times article entitled “The End of Courtship,” dating as we know it is essentially over.

The writer opines, “Dinner at a romantic new bistro? Forget it. Women in their 20s these days are lucky to get a last-minute text to tag along. Raised in the age of so-called “hookup culture,” millennials — who are reaching an age where they are starting to think about settling down — are subverting the rules of courtship.”

couple on dinner date

Date.

Are we? When did dating turn into just ‘hanging-out?’ Didn’t we do this shit in high school?

Ladies – are we really satisfied to settle for a can of Bud Light and a quasi-drunken hook up in lieu of a nice dinner, bottle of wine and good conversation that enables both parties to get to know one another better? I always thought cheap watered down beer and drunken sex should be saved for the actual relationship. This way, when you wake up with the massive shits (from the crappy beer) and a sticky condom plastered on your back it’s not nearly as mortifying.

While it seems to be shifting to more of a hook-up culture, it isn’t hopeless. I’m 31 and most of the men I date are between 28-35. Personally, I haven’t encountered much of these “hanging-out” type dates. Most men (in-person or online) still ask a woman out and take her to dinner. The ones who ask me to meet them and their buddies out at a bar for our first meeting? I decline.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with keeping it casual and kicking back with a pizza and movie on the couch, but this ‘hanging-out’ stuff should follow a few dates. A little effort is appreciated…. and I don’t think I’m alone in this. If a man doesn’t bother to woo in the beginning, odds are he never will. Note: wooing need not require lots of cash. Believe me guys, stopping at Giant Eagle (insert the name of your local grocery store) and picking up a cheap bouquet of carnations goes a LONG way.

drunk men

Not a date.

Dating IS evolving – more sex & less commitment. But why? How did women go from getting wined and dined to pumped and dumped?

Two theories:

1. Women outnumber men on college campuses. During college, hooking up is easier than finding a pack of ramen noodles. For everyone that won’t, there’s probably one next to them that will. Minimal effort is required. People become used to this hook-up style of dating and carry it with them into their late 20’s and 30’s… and beyond.

2. Online dating has made it TOO easy to get laid. It’s like a virtual smorgasbord of sex. Online dating has it’s pros, but it doesn’t come without cons. Our dating pool is huge compared to what it used to be (wow, that’s sad). Both sexes engage in more of a “speed-dating” type of deal and often juggle multiple people at a time. We have options – and lots of them. Sure, there are plenty of men and women using online dating sites to find actual relationships. However, for every person that hopes to find “the one,” there’s likely two more looking for casual hook-ups.

Do I think it’s the end of courtship? No. I think it’s a matter of finding what works for you. If you’re well out of college and a first date involving PBR, Jaeger shots and a hand job isn’t your idea of romance, keep dating and find someone who will give you what you need. There are men out there who won’t mind taking you on a real date. You have options – and plenty of them.

why buy the cow?

We’re back to the damn cow again.

Cheating Boyfriend? Just Poop on His Floor

8 Jan

My boyfriend Bruce was a cheating jerk. I dumped him.

This woman’s husband was cheating. She took a dump on his floor.
Oh, and she peed on his carpet too.

woman poops on husband's floor

Looks totally sane.

A woman in Vero Beach, Florida caught her husband in bed with another, barged into his bedroom with a rifle and threatened to kill the two. After Brenda Schumann’s estranged husband pried the rifle away from her, the 51-year-old woman proceeded to urinate on the carpet of the master bedroom

That’s not all. Schumann then went downstairs and pooped on the kitchen floor.

As she was being arrested, she exclaimed, “I found him in bed with a naked chick. What was I supposed to do?”

I love her.

You can check out the full article here.

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