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Single After Thirty: 15 Reasons it’s Not Totally Terrible

26 Mar

Single after 30? The internet is flooded with instructions to embrace your single status, how to love yourself and shitty advice imploring you to change your ways – or else. Fuck ‘em.

stupid mom quotes

Not funny. At all. Period.

Being single in your twenties was fun. Then, one day you wake up and realize everyone got hitched. The drunk party photos that once clogged your Facebook feed have been replaced by copious amounts of ultrasound pics and shares of “parenting humor” images.

You feel out of the loop. And you probably are. But that’s okay. Being single after 30  doesn’t mean you’re a social degenerate. I mean, have you seen some of the people who get married?! Some are certifiably crazy. Others are downright repulsive. But… they got lucky. And.. you haven’t been lucky yet. On that note, here’s a few reasons I found to quit bemoaning your single status (and mine too).

15 Reasons to Not Hate Being Single After Thirty

1. Can go out with my guy friends whenever. Plus, I can vacation with my guy friends. No questions asked.
2. Lounging on the sofa in my stained & tattered sweatpants, no bra and my hair in one giant knot – for as long as I choose.
3. Not required to shave every day. And never having to shave another’s back hair.
4. My friends are more fun. Plus, I don’t feel obligated to invite my guy along and try to fill him in on the inside jokes we’ve had for over 10 years.
5. I don’t have to attempt to hide the existence of this dating blog.
6. No boyfriend begging for a blow job when I’m on the heaviest day of my period.
7. I like hanging out with myself.
8. Not being woken up each time my guy gets out of bed to take a piss, drink water, etc. No worrying whether or not I was snoring. No snoring keeping me up.
9. Dating is providing plethora of writing material. More than I could have ever fathomed.
10. I’m not forced to listen to anyone else’s shitty music choices. (Seriously, how can the Goo Goo Dolls be your favorite band?)
11. Not sharing the couch. And not having to watch sports updates while sharing the couch.
12. No arguing over the thermostat setting.
13. No one tying up the bathroom taking a 30 minute shit when I need to do my hair, brush my teeth, etc.
14. Opportunity. Being single leaves you open to ANYTHING. You have the freedom to do whatever without the tether of another. Whether its traveling abroad, moving to LA to pursue a writing career or taking up sky-diving – you can do it. Besides, you never know when you’ll meet ‘the one.’ Better to be single when that happens than trapped in a sub-par relationship.
15. You’ve experienced a ton – so when the time comes to settle down you’ll be ready. Especially if you’ve dabbled in online dating – then you’ll REALLY be ready.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Dating Quote

Sure, I’d love to stumble upon a great guy, fall in love & share a life together. I can’t force it. I can only hope I’m fortunate enough to meet someone and live out the whole “happily ever after” ending. Until then – life as a thirty-something single isn’t too horrible. Besides, the grass is always greener on the other side.. until you get there.

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Fuck You Valentine’s Day – I Hate Dating

14 Feb

I’m 31, single and a dating blogger…. And I totally forgot Valentine’s Day was this week. Between work, dating, starting a book and my new-found addiction to the Walking Dead series (I’m always late to the party….) I had no idea it was almost here.

I’ve been so distracted that Valentine’s Day could’ve passed and I’d have been none the wiser. Readers of my dating blog would’ve missed out on an obligatory angst-ridden “I Hate Valentine’s Day” post had it not been for a certain guy in my life. He’s pretty… swell.

My ignorance was bliss. Until Monday night.

I hate valentines day

Even though I said no more dating lawyers, I continue to do so. They find me. I continue to give them chances. It never works out. Mostly because they fail to maintain a decent façade and I realize they’re a total asshole after a few dates. (Definition of insanity, I get it.)

I was set to embark on date #5 with this lawyer. I’ve been hesitant about him because his actions (out late every single night, has multiple ‘guys nights’ every week….) don’t say “I want to settle down.” He’s divorced, so it seems like he’s determined to make up for lost time. However, I genuinely enjoyed his company and our personalities mesh, so I wanted to be certain before I regrettably cast him out of the rotation (also known as – move on because in a week or two he’ll be onto the next big thing)

Last weekend we made plans for this Thursday (HE picked the day). Neither of us aware that it was Valentine’s Day.

valentines day fuck off

Monday night I receive a text from him around 1am (I’m a slight insomniac). The text read “Good night.” I was up watching Walking Dead on Netflix so I politely answered, “Good night to you too.” I thought he was just making a nice gesture. The rest goes as followed:

Lawyer: We are going out on vday….

Me: That’s funny. I totally didn’t realize it was Valentines Day.
(100 percent true – I actually wanted to spend Valentines Day with my best friend because that would’ve been fun and not subject to unnecessary awkwardness)

Lawyer:  Ok. So here’s how I see it. Neither of us knew. So let’s not infer anything. But let’s also not infer that either of us are being dicks.

Me:  Why would either of us be a dick?

Lawyer: I don’t know….

Lawyer:  Damn. I hate dating.

Me:  Considering Valentines Day wasn’t even on my radar, I don’t believe either of us inferred anything.

Lawyer:  Good. I’ll still plan a nice night.

Gee, thanks. Is it wrong to feel insulted? I did.

I wouldn’t have inferred anything because we’re still getting to know each other. The notion that he felt compelled to send that text and couldn’t just leave well enough alone lets me infer a few things…

And he’s the one who hates dating? But it gets better.

I was debating whether or not to cancel, but he made the decision for me on Wednesday (the day before Valentines Day).  He claimed he’s bogged down with work and we need to reschedule.I promise you, he’s not ‘working late.’

Hey asshole – you just left me hanging on Valentine’s Day. Well, now I definitely ‘infer’ something – you’re an ass.

In other news, according to Jezebel.com my vagina is worth $257 on Valentine’s Day. The price is based on the level of commitment and a single vagina is worth the most. If you’re a single woman on Valentine’s Day, your date should fork over $257 to get laid. Committed vaginas must settle for $180. I’m not making this shit up. I guess that means as far as Valentine’s Day is concerned, my vagina is worthless.

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How to Deal With a Cheating Boyfriend

18 Dec

Silence speaks louder than words. When I told my cheating boyfriend Bruce to never contact me again, I meant it. He’s tried getting in touch multiple times to apologize and to say he misses me. I give him nothing but silence. As far as I’m concerned there is nothing more to say. He cheated. Game over.

Every ounce of me wants to tell him what a piece of sick trash he is. How his life is something straight out of an episode of Jerry Springer. Remind him that one day karma will return the favor. Yet, I say nothing. Why? Whether it’s negative or positive, he just wants something. I refuse to give him anything. Issuing the most hateful response still presents him an opportunity to further communicate. He doesn’t deserve that. He deserves nothing. Cheaters deserve nothing.

Besides, silence totally drives people crazy.

quiet

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Online Dating Delights – Seeing your ex boyfriend on Match.com

6 May

Sometimes Match.com finds you match, who according to them is “Singled Out Just For You!” They highlight the profile on a special full page spread so you’re certain to take notice.

The other morning, Match.com “Singled Out” my ex Sam just for me. Thanks Match.com. Seriously, is there anything worse than seeing a recent ex on an online dating site? As if the Cleveland dating profiles I’m forced to dredge through aren’t upsetting enough!

I’m not going to lie – when he sprung up and filled my screen, my stomach plunged. His profile picture (which doesn’t illustrate the fact that he is severely balding at an alarming rate) was not what I expected to see as I innocuously sipped my morning coffee. I felt like throwing up.

Even better, Match.com won’t allow users to block a match from the “Singled Out” page. I was forced to search for his profile AGAIN to permanently remove him from potential matches. You know, because that was exactly how I wanted to spend a quiet Saturday morning.

Watch out Cleveland women – this deceitful two-faced Cleveland single man is on the prowl once more. dating a liar

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Inspiring Blogger Award – Find some of the best bloggers right here

31 Mar

I’ve been nominated for blog awards here and there – and I know for sure I haven’t gotten to all of them. If I wasn’t able to get to your blog award, please know I appreciate the honor very much. I’m so thankful that you’ve enjoyed my Cleveland dating blog. When I first started this dating blog, I wasn’t sure anyone would read this.

best bloggers

Here are the rules of this blog award:
1. Thank the person who nominated you.
I was nominated for the Most Inspiring Blogger award by Cadence at Search 4 a Soul Mate. If you are unfamiliar with her honest and insightful dating blog, please pay it a visit! Anyone who has ever navigated the lousy dating scene after 30 will relate. Especially this post about changing your Facebook Relationship Status post-breakup. Been there!

2. Share seven things about yourself
1. I can never find anything. It takes me an extra 20 minutes to leave the house because I can’t find my keys, wallet, etc. I get frustrated if those around me don’t join in the search.
2. I struggle to walk in heels. I’ve practiced and practiced but cannot master the technique. I think I’m missing a girl gene somewhere.
3. I’m convinced everything is better if you add goat cheese.
4. When stuck with groups of people I don’t care for, I will deliberately say things to make everyone uncomfortable. It amuses me.
5. I have ADHD. When nervous, I become extremely hyper and talk non-stop at unimaginable speeds to where people can’t keep up or understand. This can prove embarrassing.
6. My drink of choice is Bacardi and Diet.
7. I can’t dance.

3. Pass the award to seven inspiring bloggers
I’m sure the bloggers and dating bloggers I’ve nominated have received numerous awards, so don’t feel obligated to do the whole blog award song and dance if you don’t have time. Just know your blogs are awesome and totally worth the Inspiring Blogger Award:

Story of Alice
Snarky Snatch
Old Black Magic.CLE
Sips of Jen and Tonic
Really?
AwkwardList
Word Play

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What do you mean the G-spot doesn’t exist?

31 Jan

Ladies, the joke is on us. Some of us at least.

When it comes to sex, women kinda get the shaft. Literally and figuratively. I’m no anatomy expert and can’t fathom what it feels like to have a penis, but from what I’ve read the sensation a guy experiences is similar to what a woman feels in her clitoris.

A woman’s biggest pleasure zone is smaller than a thimble while a man’s is well, clearly much, much larger with the same sensation. They get a banana, we get a pea. It isn’t right. Yes, clitoral orgasms are amazing… but the feeling has got to be magnified with a larger body part.

size of a woman's clitoris

They get a banana... We get a pea.

Next, the illusive G-spot. Instructions on how to locate the damn thing could be found in almost every monthly issue of Cosmo, Glamour or some other shitty woman’s magazine. According to any porn movie, any men’s or women’s magazine and even most books you read, all women experience these epic orgasms during intercourse once the G-spot is found. There’s tips everywhere about how to locate the G-spot which is supposedly an inch up on the top vaginal wall. Not finding it led me to A) feel like a failure and B) curse my vagina out regularly for being so incompetent.

I’ve worked to attain these mind-blowing orgasms through this misleading little fucker known as the G-spot. I’ll admit, there’s something being hit up there that feels really damn good, especially when you mimic the positions that supposedly hit the G-spot. Have I ever felt a larger-than-life orgasm through intercourse alone? No. Did I often feel like my body was defective because it wasn’t happening? Yes. And believe me, it usually wasn’t the guys fault….

I can’t say I was surprised that new research has confirmed the G-spot doesn’t exist. Apparently a team of Israeli and American researchers went through 60 years of evidence and 96 studies. They even conducted tissue biopsies and ultrasounds. No G-spot. So all this time, I’ve been fed bull shit about this Holy Grail of sex, only to learn it never existed in the first place. Seriously?

female orgasm

It's good for me, but is it REALLY better for the guy??

Are you one of those women who can’t reach orgasm through intercourse? I am. All these years I thought I was born with a malfunctioning vagina, but I was wrong. Evidence proves that women with thicker tissue in the G-spot area reported having orgasms through penetration. The thicker the tissue, the more sensitive the area. Women who have never reached orgasm through intercourse had thinner tissue in the same area and weren’t nearly as sensitive. Clearly, I’m the latter. And you know what, that’s nice to finally know. I wonder if tissue gets thicker with age……

On the bright side, I’m not sporting a sub-par vagina. I am annoyed that because of my flimsy-ass vaginal tissue, I’m restricted to only experiencing orgasm via my little nub of a clitoris. Which is fine, but a second option would’ve been appreciated.

Some doctor needs to start performing vaginal tissue thickening surgery. For real.

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Not a shitty Christmas gift

27 Dec

Sam bought me these cute heart-shaped earrings from Tiffany’s for Christmas. No complaints here. I appreciate the fact that he got me more of a “romantic” gift like jewelry, but it’s also sweet that they are hearts.

I like Sam.

I’m quite content. This Christmas wasn’t so bad after all.

 

 

 

 

Meeting the parents

5 Dec

Already that time? I’m due to meet Sam’s parents (and entire family) in two weeks. I woke up to a text on Sunday morning inviting me to his parent’s Christmas party. While it may be a tad soon, I still find it cute that he wants to introduce me to the family. It affirms he’s into me as much as I am him. We’ve only been on four dates, but it feels like more. That counts for something. I like where things are heading. I’m not about to bore anyone by babbling on about how amazing he is, but so far he’s pretty damn great.

Anyhow… apparently there is going to be kids at this party because he mentioned that we have to go shopping at Target for them beforehand.

Only problem is – I’m terrible with kids. God fucking awful with kids. Kids see me and immediately run the other way because my disdain for them is evident. I scare them. They scare me. I’ve never been a mushy, gushy, cutesy kind of girl and have difficulty interacting with anyone under the age of 13. Kids just don’t do it for me.

There’s a reason I’m a licensed high school teacher and not an elementary teacher. (Bet you didn’t guess that I was/ am supposed to be an English teacher…) I teach/taught teenagers because I loathe little children. I don’t want to play with them. I don’t want their dirty hands touching me. I can’t stand their high-pitched squealing. Kids and I do not mix. Once they are over 13, I don’t mind them anymore. You can have a normal discussion with them that doesn’t focus around the latest episode of Dora the Explorer.

Ewww. Kids.

Do I want kids of my own? Someday. I’ll probably love my kids (I hope so). It’s just I don’t enjoy being bothered with other people’s kids. My reaction is ugly and virtually impossible to hide. I don’t think this is necessarily abnormal… my dad is the same way, but he’s an awesome father. He always reminds me that it will be “different when they are mine.”

When it comes to meeting the children in the family, I’ll be putting on the performance of my lifetime. Seriously, I might have to throw a ball to them (and not at them), dress up a doll or participate in some form of unsavory playtime activity. Sam doesn’t need to realize my contempt for little ones so soon in our relationship. It could turn him off. I must pretend to thoroughly enjoy the “tiny darlings.”

His parents, on the other hand, I’m not so worried about. I’m nervous, but I’m sure I’ll do better than I will with a three year old snot-laden child.

I say this now, but I’m going to be a nervous wreck when facing the folks in two weeks.

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Grow a pair

30 Oct

I had a 3rd date with this guy who is a criminal attorney. Now, one would think someone who works in this field would exude confidence, right? It should come with the job….. Plus, attending a top-tier law school and having a job that generally WILL attract women should boost self-esteem.

Not this guy.

He took me to Greenhouse Tavern, which is one of my favorites and I was optimistic that it would be a nice Friday night. I was wrong.

Halfway through a bottle of wine and a few bites into my steak this guy goes “So, I have to ask you something.” I just had a feeling I wouldn’t like this. He continues… “Now let me know if I’m wrong, but I have a feeling you’re on the fence about us. Like you’re not sure if you like me.”

I choked. It’s the 3rd date. This is what dating is for – to determine if you are compatible with someone. True, I am not sure if it would work with this guy. From date one, his apparent lack of confidence was the sole reason why.  He’s tall, cute, successful… but he’s a guy I could walk all over. I don’t want a guy I can walk all over because it bores me. He wasn’t proving me wrong.

Although it made the remainder of the dinner rather awkward, I replied with an honest “I’m still getting to know you and trying to see if we are compatible.”

Then he goes into a “Most women want to like me, but in reality they are just being nice and really don’t” tirade.  I kept trying to change the subject, but he kept going with his “No one wants a nice guy” spiel.  It ruined dinner. I didn’t know what he expected me to say, so I didn’t say much. I just sat there and awkwardly nodded. Eventually, I managed to get on another topic. Yeesh.

Afterward we stopped at the bar next door for a nightcap. Once again, he began asking me if I thought I liked him or not. If I wasn’t sure, why wasn’t I sure….  I was highly agitated at this point. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore so I responded… “Do you want to know why? You have zero confidence. I don’t understand how you even perform your job with such low self-esteem.” I went on to explain how I’m a very brash, animated kind of person and I need someone who can keep up with me. Lacking confidence isn’t going to work. I don’t want to be with a push-over.

The conversation went on for a bit longer, and then finally I became so frustrated that I bluntly told him to “Grow a pair.” I didn’t even care anymore – his constant need for affirmation was so unattractive.

He keeps texting me. I don’t think we’ll be going out again.

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Not-so-steamy sex

29 Sep

(Originally written Sept. 7, 2011. Moved over from my Tumblr)

I’m a glutton for punishment. I slept with Bad-Sex-Bobby again last night. It improved slightly. He made a slight effort this time around.

Thing is, other than the lousy sex, I like the guy. He’s pretty cute (other than the receding hair line) and I dig his personality. I enjoyed making out with him and all was fine until sex was introduced into the equation. I wish we could just go back to making out. That’s the problem with sex, once you go there… you always have to go there. Usually I enjoy going there, but this time not so much.

To his defense, he made more of an effort last night. After probably like seven minutes (TOPS) of oral he asked me if I got off. Oh dear… I’m guessing his previous girlfriend was a faker. Honestly, I just don’t think he realizes that it takes some (most…) women more than five to seven minutes of foreplay to orgasm. Since I kinda like him in other arenas, I’ll give him a few more chances and see if we can remedy this whole bad-sex thing…

See ladies, this is why you don’t fake orgasms. Ever.

Faking an orgasm not only ruins sex for you, but future partners as well.

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