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Dating After 30: It Always Comes Back to This

24 Jun

I’m back after my two month hiatus. No, my small pause had nothing to do with my bad date meltdown.

Three reasons for my dating blogging hiatus:

1. I was dating a guy and didn’t want to write about him. He took up lots of my time. Because my goal is to make a relationship work, I figured not writing about the person I was currently dating (without his permission) was a good call. However, now that my ex turned psycho, all bets are off.

2. I was lacking energy. Turns out it was the melatonin. Now that I stopped popping melatonin, I feel totally normal again. Duh.

3. It’s summer and it’s hard to write in the summer. So much else to do. I needed a break.

But I’m back. And sadly, still dating in Cleveland. It is what it is – and there is nothing else to do but make the most of it. Eventually, I’ll find ‘the one.’ At least I hope.  Until then… it’s back to more weird misadventures with Cleveland men.

And on a good note, I made DatingAdvice.com’s list of 10 Best Single Dating Blogs.

Cleveland, Ohio Rock Hall of Fame

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Single After Thirty: 15 Reasons it’s Not Totally Terrible

26 Mar

Single after 30? The internet is flooded with instructions to embrace your single status, how to love yourself and shitty advice imploring you to change your ways – or else. Fuck ‘em.

stupid mom quotes

Not funny. At all. Period.

Being single in your twenties was fun. Then, one day you wake up and realize everyone got hitched. The drunk party photos that once clogged your Facebook feed have been replaced by copious amounts of ultrasound pics and shares of “parenting humor” images.

You feel out of the loop. And you probably are. But that’s okay. Being single after 30  doesn’t mean you’re a social degenerate. I mean, have you seen some of the people who get married?! Some are certifiably crazy. Others are downright repulsive. But… they got lucky. And.. you haven’t been lucky yet. On that note, here’s a few reasons I found to quit bemoaning your single status (and mine too).

15 Reasons to Not Hate Being Single After Thirty

1. Can go out with my guy friends whenever. Plus, I can vacation with my guy friends. No questions asked.
2. Lounging on the sofa in my stained & tattered sweatpants, no bra and my hair in one giant knot – for as long as I choose.
3. Not required to shave every day. And never having to shave another’s back hair.
4. My friends are more fun. Plus, I don’t feel obligated to invite my guy along and try to fill him in on the inside jokes we’ve had for over 10 years.
5. I don’t have to attempt to hide the existence of this dating blog.
6. No boyfriend begging for a blow job when I’m on the heaviest day of my period.
7. I like hanging out with myself.
8. Not being woken up each time my guy gets out of bed to take a piss, drink water, etc. No worrying whether or not I was snoring. No snoring keeping me up.
9. Dating is providing plethora of writing material. More than I could have ever fathomed.
10. I’m not forced to listen to anyone else’s shitty music choices. (Seriously, how can the Goo Goo Dolls be your favorite band?)
11. Not sharing the couch. And not having to watch sports updates while sharing the couch.
12. No arguing over the thermostat setting.
13. No one tying up the bathroom taking a 30 minute shit when I need to do my hair, brush my teeth, etc.
14. Opportunity. Being single leaves you open to ANYTHING. You have the freedom to do whatever without the tether of another. Whether its traveling abroad, moving to LA to pursue a writing career or taking up sky-diving – you can do it. Besides, you never know when you’ll meet ‘the one.’ Better to be single when that happens than trapped in a sub-par relationship.
15. You’ve experienced a ton – so when the time comes to settle down you’ll be ready. Especially if you’ve dabbled in online dating – then you’ll REALLY be ready.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Dating Quote

Sure, I’d love to stumble upon a great guy, fall in love & share a life together. I can’t force it. I can only hope I’m fortunate enough to meet someone and live out the whole “happily ever after” ending. Until then – life as a thirty-something single isn’t too horrible. Besides, the grass is always greener on the other side.. until you get there.

Close Encounters of the Online Dating Kind

24 Mar

I’m having dinner with this guy – third date – and out of nowhere he asks, “Do you believe in aliens?”

I thought he was joking and was simply asking it to see if I was gullible or crazy (Anne Heche style). My answer, “I have trouble believing in anything that I haven’t seen, but considering that the universe is rather big… I guess no one can say for sure. Why? Do you?”

“Yes. I’ve seen them.” The conversation turned unnecessarily serious.

“What? Like you were abducted and anal probed?”

“No. But I’ve seen aliens twice.”

He proceeded to tell a story about spotting an extra-terrestrial being in a parked car. Apparently, Mr. Alien was chilling in the backseat, staring at him and wiggling one of his long, extra-terrestrial fingers in a come-hither motion. The other tale involved UFO’s hovering over his home.

What the fuck Match.com?

Are you fucking kidding me?

The worst part – this guy stopped returning my calls. (Third date rule strikes again?)

Alien fingers

Once upon a time, my old college roommate dated this guy who creeped everyone out. Turns out he was a paranoid schizophrenic. On top of believing that government agents broke into his apartment and injected him with the HIV virus and that his Buddha statue came to life after midnight….. he also reported to have close encounters with aliens. He was eventually forced into a mental hospital. He probably still resides there today.

My Netflix Queue of Shame

16 Feb

Fuck the eyes. If you want a true window to someone’s soul, just peek at their Netflix Instant Queue.

i think we're alone now documentary

Netflix subscribers face a harsh challenge of combing through a paltry list of “B” movies, old TV shows (most were cancelled for a reason) and bizarre documentaries to find something that won’t make them a) fall asleep, b) cringe or c) masturbate to porn for the third time that day.

family ties tv show

“I really miss watching Family Ties” says no one ever.

Subscribing to Netflix is like joining an online dating site. Upon signing up for eHarmony, Match.com or OkCupid, your head is spinning with the promise of unlimited possibilities. Once you’ve paid and start browsing, reality sets in. You longed for classics like “Forest Gump,” “Shawshank Redeption,” or “Casablanca,” but instead you got “Extreme Couponing Season 1,” “Bridezillas,” “Home Alone 3,” “Nacho Libre,” “Family Ties,” and fifty documentaries about organic food.

Since Netflix subscribers fill their instant queues with the best of the worst – the results can be hilarious …and telling.

I often forget the extreme awfulness that is my Netflix Instant Queue. That is, until there’s a guy at my place and I suggest we find a movie on Netflix. I flip on Netflix Instant and immediately realize the damage I’ve done. The expression on my date’s face is usually a mix of disgust, worry and trying to abstain from laughing at me.

Here’s a brief list of what lurks in my Netflix queue. What does it say about me? Feel free to draw your own conclusions. But if yours is anything like mine, it’s better to keep it under wraps.

My Netflix Queue of Shame

american-horror-story-tvArrested Development
Breaking Bad
The Walking Dead
Dawson’s Creek
American Horror Story
Twin Peaks
Melrose Place

Strange Sex
After Porn Ends
Science of Sex Appeal
The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia
I Think We’re Alone Now
Winnebago Man
Commune
Confessions of a Superhero
I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK
i'm a cyborg movie
Lord, Save Us From Your Followers
Dirty Money: The Business of High End Prostitution
Price of Pleasure
A Complete History of My Sexual Failures
Solitary Confinement
Grizzly Man
Gasland
Infested
Hippie Masala
Science of Dogs

Dawsons-creek-tv

Harold and Maude
Midnight Cowboy
Drugstore Cowboy
Blue Valentine
The Human Centipede 1 & 2

human centipede
Planes Trains & Automobiles
Pumpkin
Momento
Rosemary’s Baby
Adaption
Young Adult
Bruno
The Hours

Sasha Baron Cohen

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