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Cleveland Dating Got the Best of Me

16 Jul

Warning: This is one of those rare, vulnerable posts that rarely emerge. But since the whole point of a dating blog is to share the ups and downs of dating – I figured I’d be honest and let my guard down for a moment.

They say breaking up is hard to do. And it is – especially when you get to do it over and over and over.

I think I usually put up a pretty good fight when it comes to dealing with my seemingly cursed dating life. I manage the lying, the betrayal, the cheating and the continuous disappearing acts the only way I know how – with sarcasm and derision.

I’ve been single for quite some time, but I can honestly say that this past year (starting from last July) has been the hardest and meanest I’ve ever encountered when it comes to dating and relationships. It’s been one relentless blow after another, and it finally knocked me on my ass like never before. I consider myself a fairly strong person, but in all honesty, I often wonder how much more I can take. Lately, dating in Cleveland is causing me to loathe humanity. And I don’t want to feel this way.

Placing your trust in someone, sharing a bed with them, indulging in lazy mornings under the covers, opening up and divulging some of your intimate secrets with the hopes of growing closer – only to have that person suddenly turn around and betray you (and simultaneously throw your secrets and fears back in your face for ultimate impact). I don’t care who you are – if you have a few shreds of emotion, it’s bound to wear on you.

Despite everything, I realize that all men aren’t as vile and heartless as the ones who have played a part in my life this past year. There are decent people out there. What I don’t know is how I continue to be mixed up with the rotten ones. I’ll admit that my lousy choices are partially to blame, but that doesn’t excuse their callous and abhorrent behavior. In my defense, things always seem so perfect in the beginning.

I’m not down because I loved and lost. I wasn’t in love with anyone this past year. Of course, I wanted to fall in love, but they didn’t exactly make it easy. I’m disheartened because I can’t fathom how people can treat others as if they’re completely disposable and replaceable. Online dating has made it easier than ever.

I took some time off dating. I moved to a new place. I wallowed in self-pity for a bit. I spent time with friends and family and tried to make peace with the disappointment. I recently went on a few dates with a guy I met a few months back, but he seemed to care more about getting laid then getting to know me. Story of my life.

For the past two weeks my parents have been asking when I was going to begin dating again. I kept insisting I wasn’t ready. (I think they just want grandkids, like really bad)

But I can’t continue to sit here, feel sorry for myself and dwell on my contempt for the shitty Cleveland dating scene. I haven’t felt like “me” lately and that’s because the art of basking in my breakups and romantic letdowns isn’t “me.” Hell, if I want to torture myself I figure I may as well do it during a nice dinner out.

I don’t want to date again, but it’s time. I’m not ready to date, but I’m definitely not prepared to give up. I deserve to have a kind-hearted and caring man in my life and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a few callous pieces of shit put any damper in my chance at finding happily ever after. Still, I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be treading a little more carefully this time around.

And that list of dating rules I developed a few months back (especially since they pertain to the infamous third date rule) – those remain since they will help me keep my sanity.

Dating after thirty is really fucking hard. Geez.

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Dating After 30: It Always Comes Back to This

24 Jun

I’m back after my two month hiatus. No, my small pause had nothing to do with my bad date meltdown.

Three reasons for my dating blogging hiatus:

1. I was dating a guy and didn’t want to write about him. He took up lots of my time. Because my goal is to make a relationship work, I figured not writing about the person I was currently dating (without his permission) was a good call. However, now that my ex turned psycho, all bets are off.

2. I was lacking energy. Turns out it was the melatonin. Now that I stopped popping melatonin, I feel totally normal again. Duh.

3. It’s summer and it’s hard to write in the summer. So much else to do. I needed a break.

But I’m back. And sadly, still dating in Cleveland. It is what it is – and there is nothing else to do but make the most of it. Eventually, I’ll find ‘the one.’ At least I hope.  Until then… it’s back to more weird misadventures with Cleveland men.

And on a good note, I made DatingAdvice.com’s list of 10 Best Single Dating Blogs.

Cleveland, Ohio Rock Hall of Fame

Bad Online Dates and Epic Meltdowns Courtesy of Match.com

16 Apr

When it comes to dating in Cleveland, one week can make a big difference. It rarely does, but anything can happen, right?

I was at a dating low point last Saturday night. It was a dark, dark place in my less than fulfilling  online dating saga.

First, my ex-boyfriend walked right past my car downtown while I was en route to meet a guy from Match.com. (THE ex-boyfriend. You know, the one ex boyfriend that pops up in your head whenever you hear a sappy Phil Collins break-up song. Thankfully, I don’t think he noticed me. I wish I didn’t notice him.

Reeling from my ex-boyfriend sighting, I set out to meet my Saturday night date. The moment I laid eyes on him, I wanted to run like hell out of the bar. Why I didn’t make a break for it, I’ll never know. The guy clearly had a knack for snapping deceptive photos. And he talked funny.

Not only did he look NOTHING like his photos, he was just so weird. He wouldn’t stop talking about the fact that he was ADHD. By being blessed with the inability to focus, this guy acted like he won the “I’m so awesome” jackpot. His pants didn’t fit. They were much too short – like horrifyingly too short.

Bad dates and too short pants

He wasn’t even a hipster….

You can blame the fact that you locked your keys in the car for the second time this week on ADHD. You can’t use it to justify that you are a socially awkward mess. Sorry buddy, it’s not ADHD, you are just really, really strange. Accept it.

Then he rambled on and on about weird history shit – I zoned out for the bulk of it, but he kept talking about some dude named Constantine and Christianity wars. (What the fuck??????) For a man who supposedly can’t focus, he could sure focus on some Christianity wars.

Oh, and apparently there was this former girlfriend who lied about him being the father of his child for a full year. Bitter? You better believe it. I heard about it for another 20 minutes or so before calling it a night.

Bad dating Maury Povich style

After two glasses of wine and some water, I retreated back to my car and headed home. (Mind you, two glasses of wine is the equivalent of drinking two glasses of water for my alcohol-loving self).

Note: I’m not proud of the following passage you’re about to read. An ex-boyfriend sighting and subsequent nightmare date is a recipe for an epic “Why Me?” meltdown. Sometimes you just need one. 

So, I’m making my way home down I-90 after this hell date and “Baker Street” by Gerry Rafferty comes on my iPod. You heard me right – “Baker Street” by Gerry Rafferty. The tune must have hit a chord (no pun intended.. ha) and I start sobbing. I’m talking heaving, awful, choking sobs. Endless sobbing. Once “Baker Street” finished, “I Can’t Tell You Why” by the Eagles started playing which only made it worse.  (My reaction to these songs further stresses the gravity of my sad, sad dating life). By the time I arrived home, my face was bright pink and caked in a mixture of black mascara and snot. I wasn’t even drunk. I was still crying and I wasn’t entirely sure why. Other than the fact that I was angry at my shitty dating luck.

Bawling my eyes out to “Baker Street” after a bad Saturday night date AND ex boyfriend encounter was not a high point (salt meet wound). Don’t judge – we all have our “Why Me?”  moments. Right? I do wish my bad dating meltdown occurred during a “cooler” song.  Where is Bon Iver when you need him?

Flash forward to my recent Saturday night date

I’m on a second date with a man I met two nights before.  Ever meet someone that you totally feel like you can be 100% yourself with right off the bat? Yeah, it was like that. I can totally say whatever and not feel like I’m freaking him out. Plus, he’s adorable, smart and ridiculously witty. I like this one. And I’m not forcing myself to like this one because he’s good on paper or convenient. I just do.

I know better than to jump the gun and get my hopes up. Still, I didn’t  drive home crying to “Magnet and Steel” by Walter Egan or anything….. so I think I’m on the right path.

Leveraging an Online Dating Success Story. Maybe. Sort Of.

4 Apr

Welcome to another installment of Stupid Shit Guys Do to (Hopefully) Get Sex

My recent date may have looked like Patrick Dempsey, but Mr. McDreamy he was not.

McDreamy Not

Return to Dating 101 – if a man repeatedly claims to to be a “hopeless romantic,” he’s not. McNotDreamy never missed an opportunity to inform me about his romantic tendencies.  According to him, he’s an “old-fashioned romantic” type of guy.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s thoroughly expressed on his online dating profile. (Ladies – if you see this in a profile. Never get your hopes up.)

I can repeatedly tell you that I’m Kim Kardashian. It doesn’t make it true.

Despite a lack of wine and roses, McNotDreamy had a riveting story that he liked to recount (over and over again)…. Once upon a time he knew a guy who recently encountered a bout of good dating luck on Match.com.

texts from match2

On top of excessively communicating his supposed romantic tendencies, NotMcDreamy really enjoyed repeating a story about his friend who recently found the woman of his dreams on Match.com. So much, that his buddy’s tale of online dating love came up in nearly every conversation. Whether it was via text, phone call or during dinner, he never failed to mention the fact that his friend fell in love with a girl from Match.com. Sometimes an “I can only hope to be so lucky” was added for good measure. The more he told the story, the more I got the feeling something was off.

text from match1

Take the online dating success story and combine it with the absence of romantic tendencies. Toss in his claim to be a huge dog lover with his refusal to pet or even acknowledge my dog… and it equals bull shit. Creative, yet ineffective bull shit.

I firmly believe he deserves a few points for originality. This is the first man who tried to crank up the charm with a non-stop reiteration of a friend’s online dating love story.

texts from match3

On the fourth (and final) date, McNotDreamy sat beside me on the couch and proceeded to text other women. He deliberately tilted the phone so I couldn’t see the screen when he’d receive the messages. Because that wasn’t obvious or anything… (And I could still see!)

Of course, the multiple females blowing up his phone didn’t stop him from trying to hump me.

I, on the other hand, did.

Single After Thirty: 15 Reasons it’s Not Totally Terrible

26 Mar

Single after 30? The internet is flooded with instructions to embrace your single status, how to love yourself and shitty advice imploring you to change your ways – or else. Fuck ‘em.

stupid mom quotes

Not funny. At all. Period.

Being single in your twenties was fun. Then, one day you wake up and realize everyone got hitched. The drunk party photos that once clogged your Facebook feed have been replaced by copious amounts of ultrasound pics and shares of “parenting humor” images.

You feel out of the loop. And you probably are. But that’s okay. Being single after 30  doesn’t mean you’re a social degenerate. I mean, have you seen some of the people who get married?! Some are certifiably crazy. Others are downright repulsive. But… they got lucky. And.. you haven’t been lucky yet. On that note, here’s a few reasons I found to quit bemoaning your single status (and mine too).

15 Reasons to Not Hate Being Single After Thirty

1. Can go out with my guy friends whenever. Plus, I can vacation with my guy friends. No questions asked.
2. Lounging on the sofa in my stained & tattered sweatpants, no bra and my hair in one giant knot – for as long as I choose.
3. Not required to shave every day. And never having to shave another’s back hair.
4. My friends are more fun. Plus, I don’t feel obligated to invite my guy along and try to fill him in on the inside jokes we’ve had for over 10 years.
5. I don’t have to attempt to hide the existence of this dating blog.
6. No boyfriend begging for a blow job when I’m on the heaviest day of my period.
7. I like hanging out with myself.
8. Not being woken up each time my guy gets out of bed to take a piss, drink water, etc. No worrying whether or not I was snoring. No snoring keeping me up.
9. Dating is providing plethora of writing material. More than I could have ever fathomed.
10. I’m not forced to listen to anyone else’s shitty music choices. (Seriously, how can the Goo Goo Dolls be your favorite band?)
11. Not sharing the couch. And not having to watch sports updates while sharing the couch.
12. No arguing over the thermostat setting.
13. No one tying up the bathroom taking a 30 minute shit when I need to do my hair, brush my teeth, etc.
14. Opportunity. Being single leaves you open to ANYTHING. You have the freedom to do whatever without the tether of another. Whether its traveling abroad, moving to LA to pursue a writing career or taking up sky-diving – you can do it. Besides, you never know when you’ll meet ‘the one.’ Better to be single when that happens than trapped in a sub-par relationship.
15. You’ve experienced a ton – so when the time comes to settle down you’ll be ready. Especially if you’ve dabbled in online dating – then you’ll REALLY be ready.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Dating Quote

Sure, I’d love to stumble upon a great guy, fall in love & share a life together. I can’t force it. I can only hope I’m fortunate enough to meet someone and live out the whole “happily ever after” ending. Until then – life as a thirty-something single isn’t too horrible. Besides, the grass is always greener on the other side.. until you get there.

Close Encounters of the Online Dating Kind

24 Mar

I’m having dinner with this guy – third date – and out of nowhere he asks, “Do you believe in aliens?”

I thought he was joking and was simply asking it to see if I was gullible or crazy (Anne Heche style). My answer, “I have trouble believing in anything that I haven’t seen, but considering that the universe is rather big… I guess no one can say for sure. Why? Do you?”

“Yes. I’ve seen them.” The conversation turned unnecessarily serious.

“What? Like you were abducted and anal probed?”

“No. But I’ve seen aliens twice.”

He proceeded to tell a story about spotting an extra-terrestrial being in a parked car. Apparently, Mr. Alien was chilling in the backseat, staring at him and wiggling one of his long, extra-terrestrial fingers in a come-hither motion. The other tale involved UFO’s hovering over his home.

What the fuck Match.com?

Are you fucking kidding me?

The worst part – this guy stopped returning my calls. (Third date rule strikes again?)

Alien fingers

Once upon a time, my old college roommate dated this guy who creeped everyone out. Turns out he was a paranoid schizophrenic. On top of believing that government agents broke into his apartment and injected him with the HIV virus and that his Buddha statue came to life after midnight….. he also reported to have close encounters with aliens. He was eventually forced into a mental hospital. He probably still resides there today.

Sex on the Third Date Rule: Time to Buck This Dating Trend

12 Mar

The third date rule – Is sex on the

third date expected?

(Yes. Fairly often. Seems to be the norm.)

If you use an online dating site, odds are that both you and your significant other from the site are dating multiple people. I’m certain the men I’m seeing are dating other women. It’s never been explicitly stated, but it would be naive to think otherwise. This is the reality of online dating.

This makes for lots of third dates. And tons of potential hook-ups.

Third-date-rule

It’s the third date….

I’ve never felt pressured to concede to the third date rule. Admittedly, I’ve had my share of alcohol-infused evenings that ended in bed (sooner than we should have), but sex on the third date never felt obligatory in my book. Some men have thought otherwise.

Sex doesn’t require a timeline. When things are right – they are right. The thing is, I no longer feel right sleeping with a man who is simultaneously dating other women (and possibly having sex with them).

Have I done it? Of course. More than I should. Sometimes I couldn’t help it (damn rum and rebound sex). Other times I’d try to convince myself that maybe he’s only sleeping with me (this was true at times). Or, I’d momentarily let my brain believe that our relationship could progress and become exclusive (even though I knew otherwise).

So, we sleep together and I pretend to ignore the texts from other women that he is trying to keep under wraps while at dinner. I don’t dare ask what’s happening on his “busy nights,” because I don’t want the real answer. And… we continue to sleep together. Some nights, he’ll send a “good night” text. Other nights he doesn’t return mine, probably because he isn’t alone. And… we continue to sleep together. Eventually we break up.

I’m over it.

No sex on the third date

I want a relationship (I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, but it’s not happening). Casual sex isn’t fun anymore. Wanting to sleep with a man who is exclusively sleeping with me? This is NOT too much to ask. I’m not requesting his hand in marriage. I just want him to keep his penis out of other women’s vaginas if its currently being inserted into mine.

Match.com and other sites have transformed dating into an all-you-can hook-up buffet. Since buffets are a chock full of mold, bacteria and foul diseases, I prefer  that my future partner and I play it safe and stick to one item from the menu at a time.

online dating is a endless buffet of possible sex

On that note, I’ve decided that it’s time to buck this sex on the third date trend all together.

Summer’s New Sex & Dating Rules

1. No sex on or before the third date
2. No sex if I know the man is dating (or sleeping with) other women
3. No sex if I think the man is dating (or sleeping with) other women
4. If I don’t see a future with the man and he is seriously attractive, rules 1-3 need not apply (if it’s good for the goose…). Hey, I deserve an “out” if faced with an extended dry spell.

Simply stated – If you’re sleeping with me, I’d better be the only one you’re sleeping with. I don’t expect a man to profess his undying love for me. I don’t even need a “girlfriend” title, but I do require that he refrain from inserting his tongue or penis into a different vagina on nights spent apart.

On a side note, I’m preparing to be dumped A LOT over my new dating rules. More than usual. Considering the “lovely” men I’ve encountered lately, there’s a good chance that my new sex and dating rules will render me not fourth-dateable. And that’s okay.

Let’s see how this goes.

Want to Impress a Woman? It’s Simple

3 Feb

Online dating can certainly wear a girl out. This time I’m taking it easy… or at least trying to. This means staying off of Match.com for weeks at a time and letting the current crop of men weed themselves out. Normally, there’s a fatal flaw in each of them (or they weed me out) so the elimination process moves along fairly smoothly.

So far, one guy hasn’t weeded himself out. He was the first man I went out with upon my fateful return to Match.com. He isn’t my typical type – a tad nerdy, much quieter than my usual boisterous jerky breed and he’s also way smarter than I am. Believe me, I’m not dumb by any means, his intelligence level happens to be much higher.

I love olives

He won me over on the third date. How? He gave me the olives out of his martini.

Sounds silly, right? I’m excited over a couple of olives. Did I mention they were stuffed with bleu cheese? Really, is there anything better than a salty, juicy olive packed with sharp bleu cheese? There isn’t.

I fucking love olives. Adore them to the point where I’ll sit in front of my television with a jar of olives and a fork and go to town. Certain times of the month I’m overcome with an insatiable craving for salt. Olives satisfy this. The other week Giant Eagle had jars of olives on sale for $1 each. I won’t mention how many jars were purchased, but let’s just say I’m set on olives for quite some time.

bleu cheese olives

Orgasmic.

Back to the doctor and his keen ability to woo me with olives. During dinner, he ordered a dirty martini and immediately asks if I’d like his olives. Of course I took one, but insisted that he eat the other. He admitted to enjoying olives, but noted that he ordered the dirty because he knows my bizarre fondness for olives, so he wanted to give them to me. I couldn’t argue. I’ve since learned he’s an olive lover as well – which makes the gesture even sweeter.

The next afternoon, I was scrounging around the fridge for olives (a normal routine). As I popped the jar and stuck a fork in one, I remembered his olive offering from previous night. Made me smile all over again. Willingly handing over your blue cheese stuffed olives is a mighty sacrifice. I guess that means he’s worth keeping around?

Why You Aren’t Getting a Third Date

3 Feb

Why you’re not getting a 3rd date

third-date-rule

1. Our first date consisted of a 30 minute lunch. A lunch date isn’t bad idea, particularly for a first date. Lunch dates enable both parties to make a quick assessment without the risk of enduring a prolonged dinner. Otherwise known as, do you look like your pictures or not?

2. Our second date consisted of a movie – and soda or popcorn weren’t offered. We met for the movie and conversed for a total of 10 minutes over the course of the date. Essentially, the total time we spent talking was about 40 minutes over two dates.

3. For the 3rd date, you suggest that I come to your place and watch the new episodes of Shameless. Are you fucking kidding me? For the record, I’ve already seen them. Then you asked a few more times if I wanted to come over.  There was never any, “Maybe we can grab dinner or a drink this week.” Just, “Let me know if you ever wanna stop by.”

And that my dear, is why there will be no third date.

Seriously, this might be the lamest way a man has ever tried to cash in on the “third date rule.”

Talk about shameless.

A Bit of Dating Advice: Stop Using LOL. Really, Just Stop.

27 Jan

If you use “LOL” in a non-ironic fashion, I can’t date you.

It’s staggering how many men over 30 pepper their online dating profiles, emails and texts with “LOL” or “LMAO,” etc. Not only are they using outdated text message lingo designed for teenagers, they aren’t even using it properly!

LOL guy

Stop saying LOL

Note the following examples from Match.com profiles/messages:

“I hope you enjoy romance, wit, and drinking good beer lol.”
“How’s your weekend been? Mine’s been lazy. LOL.”
“I believe everyone has a soul mate. I hope to find her soon lol.”
“Willing to say we met in a grocery store lmao.”
“Sometimes I enjoy relaxing with a good movie lol lame.”

Quick refresher – LOL is short for laugh out loud. It’s not the latest punctuation mark. You don’t just pop it into the end of random sentences.

None of the phrases above even warrant a “LOL.” Why is it so funny that you hope to find your soul mate? Does having a lazy weekend literally cause you to crack up uncontrollably? If thinking about relaxing with a good movie or downing craft beer is forcing you to erupt in hysterical laughter, I can only assume you’re either high on drugs, mentally slow or fucked up in the head.

“LOL” use is NEVER casual. LOLers can’t contain themselves. Once “LOL” rears its ugly head, you can be damned sure millions more will follow. Tell someone you had a busy day and can’t wait to veg out under a blanket, you’ll be met with an “LOL.” Suggest a new restaurant for dinner and the likely response will be, “LMAO. Sounds great.”

Whoever said that it’s hard to get to know someone through text messaging was wrong. I can tell plenty about a person from the moment a “LOL” or “LMAO” appears on my phone screen.

Before text language became standard, I used to think “LOL” meant “loser online.” Seriously. It’s more fitting.

Anyways, if you’re over the age of 27, stop saying “LOL.” You sound like a dumb ass.

*Emoticons are tolerable with limited usage.

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