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Cleveland Dating Got the Best of Me

16 Jul

Warning: This is one of those rare, vulnerable posts that rarely emerge. But since the whole point of a dating blog is to share the ups and downs of dating – I figured I’d be honest and let my guard down for a moment.

They say breaking up is hard to do. And it is – especially when you get to do it over and over and over.

I think I usually put up a pretty good fight when it comes to dealing with my seemingly cursed dating life. I manage the lying, the betrayal, the cheating and the continuous disappearing acts the only way I know how – with sarcasm and derision.

I’ve been single for quite some time, but I can honestly say that this past year (starting from last July) has been the hardest and meanest I’ve ever encountered when it comes to dating and relationships. It’s been one relentless blow after another, and it finally knocked me on my ass like never before. I consider myself a fairly strong person, but in all honesty, I often wonder how much more I can take. Lately, dating in Cleveland is causing me to loathe humanity. And I don’t want to feel this way.

Placing your trust in someone, sharing a bed with them, indulging in lazy mornings under the covers, opening up and divulging some of your intimate secrets with the hopes of growing closer – only to have that person suddenly turn around and betray you (and simultaneously throw your secrets and fears back in your face for ultimate impact). I don’t care who you are – if you have a few shreds of emotion, it’s bound to wear on you.

Despite everything, I realize that all men aren’t as vile and heartless as the ones who have played a part in my life this past year. There are decent people out there. What I don’t know is how I continue to be mixed up with the rotten ones. I’ll admit that my lousy choices are partially to blame, but that doesn’t excuse their callous and abhorrent behavior. In my defense, things always seem so perfect in the beginning.

I’m not down because I loved and lost. I wasn’t in love with anyone this past year. Of course, I wanted to fall in love, but they didn’t exactly make it easy. I’m disheartened because I can’t fathom how people can treat others as if they’re completely disposable and replaceable. Online dating has made it easier than ever.

I took some time off dating. I moved to a new place. I wallowed in self-pity for a bit. I spent time with friends and family and tried to make peace with the disappointment. I recently went on a few dates with a guy I met a few months back, but he seemed to care more about getting laid then getting to know me. Story of my life.

For the past two weeks my parents have been asking when I was going to begin dating again. I kept insisting I wasn’t ready. (I think they just want grandkids, like really bad)

But I can’t continue to sit here, feel sorry for myself and dwell on my contempt for the shitty Cleveland dating scene. I haven’t felt like “me” lately and that’s because the art of basking in my breakups and romantic letdowns isn’t “me.” Hell, if I want to torture myself I figure I may as well do it during a nice dinner out.

I don’t want to date again, but it’s time. I’m not ready to date, but I’m definitely not prepared to give up. I deserve to have a kind-hearted and caring man in my life and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a few callous pieces of shit put any damper in my chance at finding happily ever after. Still, I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be treading a little more carefully this time around.

And that list of dating rules I developed a few months back (especially since they pertain to the infamous third date rule) – those remain since they will help me keep my sanity.

Dating after thirty is really fucking hard. Geez.

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Leveraging an Online Dating Success Story. Maybe. Sort Of.

4 Apr

Welcome to another installment of Stupid Shit Guys Do to (Hopefully) Get Sex

My recent date may have looked like Patrick Dempsey, but Mr. McDreamy he was not.

McDreamy Not

Return to Dating 101 – if a man repeatedly claims to to be a “hopeless romantic,” he’s not. McNotDreamy never missed an opportunity to inform me about his romantic tendencies.  According to him, he’s an “old-fashioned romantic” type of guy.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s thoroughly expressed on his online dating profile. (Ladies – if you see this in a profile. Never get your hopes up.)

I can repeatedly tell you that I’m Kim Kardashian. It doesn’t make it true.

Despite a lack of wine and roses, McNotDreamy had a riveting story that he liked to recount (over and over again)…. Once upon a time he knew a guy who recently encountered a bout of good dating luck on Match.com.

texts from match2

On top of excessively communicating his supposed romantic tendencies, NotMcDreamy really enjoyed repeating a story about his friend who recently found the woman of his dreams on Match.com. So much, that his buddy’s tale of online dating love came up in nearly every conversation. Whether it was via text, phone call or during dinner, he never failed to mention the fact that his friend fell in love with a girl from Match.com. Sometimes an “I can only hope to be so lucky” was added for good measure. The more he told the story, the more I got the feeling something was off.

text from match1

Take the online dating success story and combine it with the absence of romantic tendencies. Toss in his claim to be a huge dog lover with his refusal to pet or even acknowledge my dog… and it equals bull shit. Creative, yet ineffective bull shit.

I firmly believe he deserves a few points for originality. This is the first man who tried to crank up the charm with a non-stop reiteration of a friend’s online dating love story.

texts from match3

On the fourth (and final) date, McNotDreamy sat beside me on the couch and proceeded to text other women. He deliberately tilted the phone so I couldn’t see the screen when he’d receive the messages. Because that wasn’t obvious or anything… (And I could still see!)

Of course, the multiple females blowing up his phone didn’t stop him from trying to hump me.

I, on the other hand, did.

Single After Thirty: 15 Reasons it’s Not Totally Terrible

26 Mar

Single after 30? The internet is flooded with instructions to embrace your single status, how to love yourself and shitty advice imploring you to change your ways – or else. Fuck ‘em.

stupid mom quotes

Not funny. At all. Period.

Being single in your twenties was fun. Then, one day you wake up and realize everyone got hitched. The drunk party photos that once clogged your Facebook feed have been replaced by copious amounts of ultrasound pics and shares of “parenting humor” images.

You feel out of the loop. And you probably are. But that’s okay. Being single after 30  doesn’t mean you’re a social degenerate. I mean, have you seen some of the people who get married?! Some are certifiably crazy. Others are downright repulsive. But… they got lucky. And.. you haven’t been lucky yet. On that note, here’s a few reasons I found to quit bemoaning your single status (and mine too).

15 Reasons to Not Hate Being Single After Thirty

1. Can go out with my guy friends whenever. Plus, I can vacation with my guy friends. No questions asked.
2. Lounging on the sofa in my stained & tattered sweatpants, no bra and my hair in one giant knot – for as long as I choose.
3. Not required to shave every day. And never having to shave another’s back hair.
4. My friends are more fun. Plus, I don’t feel obligated to invite my guy along and try to fill him in on the inside jokes we’ve had for over 10 years.
5. I don’t have to attempt to hide the existence of this dating blog.
6. No boyfriend begging for a blow job when I’m on the heaviest day of my period.
7. I like hanging out with myself.
8. Not being woken up each time my guy gets out of bed to take a piss, drink water, etc. No worrying whether or not I was snoring. No snoring keeping me up.
9. Dating is providing plethora of writing material. More than I could have ever fathomed.
10. I’m not forced to listen to anyone else’s shitty music choices. (Seriously, how can the Goo Goo Dolls be your favorite band?)
11. Not sharing the couch. And not having to watch sports updates while sharing the couch.
12. No arguing over the thermostat setting.
13. No one tying up the bathroom taking a 30 minute shit when I need to do my hair, brush my teeth, etc.
14. Opportunity. Being single leaves you open to ANYTHING. You have the freedom to do whatever without the tether of another. Whether its traveling abroad, moving to LA to pursue a writing career or taking up sky-diving – you can do it. Besides, you never know when you’ll meet ‘the one.’ Better to be single when that happens than trapped in a sub-par relationship.
15. You’ve experienced a ton – so when the time comes to settle down you’ll be ready. Especially if you’ve dabbled in online dating – then you’ll REALLY be ready.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Dating Quote

Sure, I’d love to stumble upon a great guy, fall in love & share a life together. I can’t force it. I can only hope I’m fortunate enough to meet someone and live out the whole “happily ever after” ending. Until then – life as a thirty-something single isn’t too horrible. Besides, the grass is always greener on the other side.. until you get there.

Close Encounters of the Online Dating Kind

24 Mar

I’m having dinner with this guy – third date – and out of nowhere he asks, “Do you believe in aliens?”

I thought he was joking and was simply asking it to see if I was gullible or crazy (Anne Heche style). My answer, “I have trouble believing in anything that I haven’t seen, but considering that the universe is rather big… I guess no one can say for sure. Why? Do you?”

“Yes. I’ve seen them.” The conversation turned unnecessarily serious.

“What? Like you were abducted and anal probed?”

“No. But I’ve seen aliens twice.”

He proceeded to tell a story about spotting an extra-terrestrial being in a parked car. Apparently, Mr. Alien was chilling in the backseat, staring at him and wiggling one of his long, extra-terrestrial fingers in a come-hither motion. The other tale involved UFO’s hovering over his home.

What the fuck Match.com?

Are you fucking kidding me?

The worst part – this guy stopped returning my calls. (Third date rule strikes again?)

Alien fingers

Once upon a time, my old college roommate dated this guy who creeped everyone out. Turns out he was a paranoid schizophrenic. On top of believing that government agents broke into his apartment and injected him with the HIV virus and that his Buddha statue came to life after midnight….. he also reported to have close encounters with aliens. He was eventually forced into a mental hospital. He probably still resides there today.

Sex on the Third Date Rule: Time to Buck This Dating Trend

12 Mar

The third date rule – Is sex on the

third date expected?

(Yes. Fairly often. Seems to be the norm.)

If you use an online dating site, odds are that both you and your significant other from the site are dating multiple people. I’m certain the men I’m seeing are dating other women. It’s never been explicitly stated, but it would be naive to think otherwise. This is the reality of online dating.

This makes for lots of third dates. And tons of potential hook-ups.

Third-date-rule

It’s the third date….

I’ve never felt pressured to concede to the third date rule. Admittedly, I’ve had my share of alcohol-infused evenings that ended in bed (sooner than we should have), but sex on the third date never felt obligatory in my book. Some men have thought otherwise.

Sex doesn’t require a timeline. When things are right – they are right. The thing is, I no longer feel right sleeping with a man who is simultaneously dating other women (and possibly having sex with them).

Have I done it? Of course. More than I should. Sometimes I couldn’t help it (damn rum and rebound sex). Other times I’d try to convince myself that maybe he’s only sleeping with me (this was true at times). Or, I’d momentarily let my brain believe that our relationship could progress and become exclusive (even though I knew otherwise).

So, we sleep together and I pretend to ignore the texts from other women that he is trying to keep under wraps while at dinner. I don’t dare ask what’s happening on his “busy nights,” because I don’t want the real answer. And… we continue to sleep together. Some nights, he’ll send a “good night” text. Other nights he doesn’t return mine, probably because he isn’t alone. And… we continue to sleep together. Eventually we break up.

I’m over it.

No sex on the third date

I want a relationship (I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, but it’s not happening). Casual sex isn’t fun anymore. Wanting to sleep with a man who is exclusively sleeping with me? This is NOT too much to ask. I’m not requesting his hand in marriage. I just want him to keep his penis out of other women’s vaginas if its currently being inserted into mine.

Match.com and other sites have transformed dating into an all-you-can hook-up buffet. Since buffets are a chock full of mold, bacteria and foul diseases, I prefer  that my future partner and I play it safe and stick to one item from the menu at a time.

online dating is a endless buffet of possible sex

On that note, I’ve decided that it’s time to buck this sex on the third date trend all together.

Summer’s New Sex & Dating Rules

1. No sex on or before the third date
2. No sex if I know the man is dating (or sleeping with) other women
3. No sex if I think the man is dating (or sleeping with) other women
4. If I don’t see a future with the man and he is seriously attractive, rules 1-3 need not apply (if it’s good for the goose…). Hey, I deserve an “out” if faced with an extended dry spell.

Simply stated – If you’re sleeping with me, I’d better be the only one you’re sleeping with. I don’t expect a man to profess his undying love for me. I don’t even need a “girlfriend” title, but I do require that he refrain from inserting his tongue or penis into a different vagina on nights spent apart.

On a side note, I’m preparing to be dumped A LOT over my new dating rules. More than usual. Considering the “lovely” men I’ve encountered lately, there’s a good chance that my new sex and dating rules will render me not fourth-dateable. And that’s okay.

Let’s see how this goes.

A Bit of Dating Advice: Stop Using LOL. Really, Just Stop.

27 Jan

If you use “LOL” in a non-ironic fashion, I can’t date you.

It’s staggering how many men over 30 pepper their online dating profiles, emails and texts with “LOL” or “LMAO,” etc. Not only are they using outdated text message lingo designed for teenagers, they aren’t even using it properly!

LOL guy

Stop saying LOL

Note the following examples from Match.com profiles/messages:

“I hope you enjoy romance, wit, and drinking good beer lol.”
“How’s your weekend been? Mine’s been lazy. LOL.”
“I believe everyone has a soul mate. I hope to find her soon lol.”
“Willing to say we met in a grocery store lmao.”
“Sometimes I enjoy relaxing with a good movie lol lame.”

Quick refresher – LOL is short for laugh out loud. It’s not the latest punctuation mark. You don’t just pop it into the end of random sentences.

None of the phrases above even warrant a “LOL.” Why is it so funny that you hope to find your soul mate? Does having a lazy weekend literally cause you to crack up uncontrollably? If thinking about relaxing with a good movie or downing craft beer is forcing you to erupt in hysterical laughter, I can only assume you’re either high on drugs, mentally slow or fucked up in the head.

“LOL” use is NEVER casual. LOLers can’t contain themselves. Once “LOL” rears its ugly head, you can be damned sure millions more will follow. Tell someone you had a busy day and can’t wait to veg out under a blanket, you’ll be met with an “LOL.” Suggest a new restaurant for dinner and the likely response will be, “LMAO. Sounds great.”

Whoever said that it’s hard to get to know someone through text messaging was wrong. I can tell plenty about a person from the moment a “LOL” or “LMAO” appears on my phone screen.

Before text language became standard, I used to think “LOL” meant “loser online.” Seriously. It’s more fitting.

Anyways, if you’re over the age of 27, stop saying “LOL.” You sound like a dumb ass.

*Emoticons are tolerable with limited usage.

Dating, Relationships & Love – Musings on a Snowy Day

29 Dec

Love’s a bitch. God… it is such a mean little bitch.

Everyone wants it. Not everyone gets it. Sometimes we get knocked on our fucking face. Repeatedly.

The whole dating, falling in love and getting married song and dance is entirely a matter of chance. I hate that. After heartbreak or a string of atrocious dates, I often find myself in a long conversation with my mom or best friend. “It’s not fair,” I say. “It’s just not fair.”

It isn’t fair. And that’s the worst thing about love – fairness need not apply. Love doesn’t care about your looks, smarts, sense of humor, or how good of a person you might be. It doesn’t care about your success or fancy home. The amount of effort you put forth matters often matters little.

fuck love

Some luck out right away, some take more time and others never find true, long-lasting love. I used to believe finding “the one” was a numbers game. While actively dating and putting yourself out there improves the odds, the end result still relies on luck and chance. The feeling is there or it isn’t. Sometimes it’s there for one person, but not the other. Maybe neither. Maybe both. Perhaps it’s there, but things fall apart. Then, there are those times it goes perfectly.

I bumped into an old friend of mine at the gym the other night. She’s a wonderful person with a (seemingly) perfect life. Devoted husband, three-year old son, beautiful home in the suburbs and currently 5 months pregnant (with the girl she’s always wanted). She had just returned from a trip to Italy with her husband. During our 5 minute stop and chat, I listened to her talk and couldn’t help wonder “Why not me?”

Why not me? Hell if I know. I certainly try. Maybe I’m trying too hard? There’s no rhyme or reason why some are fortunate in love and others are not. Amazing people fall in love. Shitty people fall in love.

Sure, we can choose who we date, who we fuck and who we marry. We can’t choose who we love. We can’t choose who loves us. All we can do is keep trudging on and hope that one day love grants us a little mercy.

One thing is for certain – I refuse to give up no matter how much it kicks my ass. Perhaps I’m a glutton for punishment?

black and white beach

Texts From a Cheating Boyfriend – While He’s Cheating

22 Dec

When it comes to a cheating boyfriend, if you feel something isn’t right… it probably isn’t.

The night Bruce cheated we were supposed to have been together (we always were together). I got ready, waited around and he ultimately stood me up. It wasn’t like him.

One thing to note about our relationship, we were always either in contact or together. If he didn’t hear from me for a little bit, he’d always reach out and vice versa. We both always answered texts right away no matter what. Always.

His text messages from that night were downright cold and bizarre. I felt like I was talking with a stranger.

I saved the lovely text messages from my cheating boyfriend (sent while he was cheating!) because they were too creepy not to keep around. When I date someone else and find myself becoming upset over something stupid, I can simply look back to this dating blog post to put everything into perspective.

On that note, enjoy the odd texts from my cheating (ex) boyfriend.

Text message from a cheating boyfriend

Another text from my cheating boyfriend

My cheating boyfriend needed tonight

He really “needed tonight.” So much that he said it twice. Eww.

Texts from a cheater

He wasn’t sorry until he got caught later that afternoon.

 

Once a cheater, Always a cheater.

10 Dec

My boyfriend cheated on me.

On Friday, Bruce proclaimed he needed a “guys night.” I wasn’t aware that “guys night” involved getting unbelievably hammered and taking a 45-year-old bar hag home to fuck her in the same bed that we shared almost every fucking night.  She isn’t even remotely pretty. Just trailer trash. By the way, Bruce is 32.  It was a one-night stand with a filthy hag that he couldn’t have cared less about. He was extremely intoxicated and took this dirty bartender Michele back to his place.

My brain won’t shut off. I can’t stop envisioning them together. He was MY boyfriend. God – he kissed her and touched her in the same way he kissed and touched me. He fingered her…. stuck his dick inside her. All the while, I was sitting there and waiting for him to come home. Even after a guys night, I would’ve headed to his place to sleep next to him. We never slept apart unless he was traveling for work. Friday night was the first time, but only one of us slept alone.

The thought of him with another woman makes me want to vomit. I can’t eat. I’ve already thrown up twice. It’s so surreal. cheating-boyfriend

It really makes me wonder how many other times this happened. He did it right under my nose. He traveled all the time for work. Imagine what he was doing in those other cities where I had no chance of finding out…. It’s so fucking sick. Sometimes random women (whom he never mentioned to me) would text him late at night. There were times he wouldn’t open the texts in front of me. He said they were just co-workers. I was a bit suspicious then and clearly I had a reason to be.

And it wasn’t like he wasn’t getting it at home – I ALWAYS want to have sex. I’m usually the one to initiate. I never once turned him down (because I’m usually horny). I’m an attractive person (guess you’ll have to take my word on that). For him to stick his penis inside this sleazy, dirty, ugly bar whore when he has me at home is unthinkable. I don’t understand and I never will. He’s a sick fuck.

He lives in my apartment complex, so I must make peace with the idea that I will see him in passing. Luckily his building is on the other end of the complex. However, after a betrayal like this – He is dead to me.

Cheating boyfriend

The last text I will ever send to this man.

There is nothing left to say. I will NEVER utter another word to this piece of shit scumbag for as long as I live. I tried so hard to make us work and he threw it all away for 60 seconds of intercourse with a dirty vagina (60 seconds is pushing it. He never lasted very long in bed). That’s all she was to him – a vagina. She looks like she’d smell too.

I’m devastated. We were ALWAYS together. We were entirely intertwined in each other’s lives. Now it’s over – just like that… completely blindsided.

Admittedly, we were having some major issues (mostly he was acting like a cold-hearted asshole more often than not) and a future break-up was seemingly inevitable. But I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t let go. I wanted it to work so badly. Mostly because I was afraid to be alone again. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I needed to move on with my life. He wasn’t good for me, but I kept trying, and trying, and trying. He took me for granted every single day – and I knew it. I wasn’t happy, but I stayed.

He hasn’t looked me in the eyes for weeks.  Leads me to believe last Friday night wasn’t the first time.

It’s over. Adjusting to day-to-day life without him won’t be easy since we were always together. But – this too shall pass. I will never second-guess our break-up. For me, there is no guilt, no remorse and no questions. There is only certainty and hate. Two things that will make it easier to move forward with my life.

I can’t help but feel that life (or fate…) did me an enormous favor. In the long run, this is the best thing that could’ve happened. I can finally move on without wondering “what if?”. There’s no reason to look back. Even with this seething hatred flowing through my veins, I feel oddly free.

It’s over.

Dating a man with kids is harder than I thought

15 Nov

Confession – The man I’ve been dating since June has kids. Two to be exact.

When trolling for men on websites, I habitually checked the box labeled “no kids.” No job, no college education, no car, pack a day smoking habit, divorced, missing limbs – they all took a backseat to the notion of dating a man with kids.

Kids were my ultimate deal breaker. I’m simply not keen on other people’s children. They aren’t cute. They annoy me. The less association I have with other people’s children, the better. With babies, well, pretty much any child under the age of 8, all I see are these little screaming creatures swathed in various forms of crud. The younger ones release a lovely scent that can only be described as play-doh mixed with macaroni and cheese and feces. Forget trying to communicate with a child. A half hour of pretending to be interested in incoherent babbling regarding what I think is might be about Disney princess or maybe last night’s dinner? I’ll pass.

dating a guy with kids

The way he feels about his kids….

I almost didn’t say yes to the first date because he had kids. Then this little nagging voice in my head warned me that I was getting older and should accept the fact that more and more men will come with baggage. The fact that he was insanely hot didn’t hurt either. Why pass on something that could be incredible, right? Maybe I could learn to like, or at least not mind, the whole kid thing? He only had them like four days a month after all.

Turns out the whole dating a man with kids is much harder than I anticipated. But not in the way I imagined.

I want to like them. But I can’t stop wishing he didn’t have them.

I want to find them cute. But when he shows me their baby photos and expects me to be excited, I feel nothing but disinterest.

I don’t want to feel annoyed, resentful or angry at the fact that he’s already had the experience of having and raising kids. But I do.

effect of dating a man with children

The way his kids make me feel sometimes…..

Here’s the thing – I’m not a baby-crazy female. I’m on the fence about having kids. (Probably because I haven’t met a man I can envision myself settling down and having them with). However, I’m starting to feel he’s finished with the whole having children thing. Me? I haven’t ruled this out.

If I met a man without kids and we (together) decided to marry and forego the whole babies thing to travel and see the world, I’d be okay with that. No stretch marks, perky boobs and still fitting into a small pant size? I’m down.

My boyfriend has two kids. How will I feel watching them grow up and interact with the knowledge that I’ll never have that? Do I want to play “mom” to another woman’s children  without any of my own? Absolutely not.

I need to explicitly inquire about his future plans, but it’s a hard question to pose.  My gut tells me I know the answer –  it’s what quells any desire to spend time with his children. It’s fueling jealousy and resentment that I never expected. If  I honestly felt he was looking for marriage and a possible family, I would NOT feel this way…. At the beginning, I wanted to be a part of their life. I was willing to try, but now this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach cautions that my efforts might be futile.

This is not us.

He asked my thoughts on having children awhile back and I answered truthfully, “I’m not totally sure, but I may want to in the future.” Kids were never a big deal, but I WANT THE OPTION. So what if I don’t appreciate the company of other people’s children? That doesn’t mean I might not want one of my own eventually.

Here comes marriage?  I was met with sheer uncertainty when I questioned his thoughts on marriage in his future (not necessarily to me!). His answer? “I broke off an engagement only a year and a half ago, so I’m not even thinking about that right now.”

Not the answer I wanted. Maybe there is too much baggage?

This doesn’t bode well. We need to talk. I keep putting it off and putting it off…. I care for him and the last thing I want is a break-up. Still, it makes no sense to be with a man who doesn’t want the same out of life. It’s kind of a big deal.

For me, dating a man with kids was always a dating deal breaker. I understand why… Because this might be what breaks us.

*Note- this wasn’t the easiest post for me to write. Please feel free to comment or email me at singleinctown@gmail.com with any thoughts or advice.  I could use it.

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