Dating, Relationships & Love – Musings on a Snowy Day

29 Dec

Love’s a bitch. God… it is such a mean little bitch.

Everyone wants it. Not everyone gets it. Sometimes we get knocked on our fucking face. Repeatedly.

The whole dating, falling in love and getting married song and dance is entirely a matter of chance. I hate that. After heartbreak or a string of atrocious dates, I often find myself in a long conversation with my mom or best friend. “It’s not fair,” I say. “It’s just not fair.”

It isn’t fair. And that’s the worst thing about love – fairness need not apply. Love doesn’t care about your looks, smarts, sense of humor, or how good of a person you might be. It doesn’t care about your success or fancy home. The amount of effort you put forth matters often matters little.

fuck love

Some luck out right away, some take more time and others never find true, long-lasting love. I used to believe finding “the one” was a numbers game. While actively dating and putting yourself out there improves the odds, the end result still relies on luck and chance. The feeling is there or it isn’t. Sometimes it’s there for one person, but not the other. Maybe neither. Maybe both. Perhaps it’s there, but things fall apart. Then, there are those times it goes perfectly.

I bumped into an old friend of mine at the gym the other night. She’s a wonderful person with a (seemingly) perfect life. Devoted husband, three-year old son, beautiful home in the suburbs and currently 5 months pregnant (with the girl she’s always wanted). She had just returned from a trip to Italy with her husband. During our 5 minute stop and chat, I listened to her talk and couldn’t help wonder “Why not me?”

Why not me? Hell if I know. I certainly try. Maybe I’m trying too hard? There’s no rhyme or reason why some are fortunate in love and others are not. Amazing people fall in love. Shitty people fall in love.

Sure, we can choose who we date, who we fuck and who we marry. We can’t choose who we love. We can’t choose who loves us. All we can do is keep trudging on and hope that one day love grants us a little mercy.

One thing is for certain – I refuse to give up no matter how much it kicks my ass. Perhaps I’m a glutton for punishment?

black and white beach

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15 Responses to “Dating, Relationships & Love – Musings on a Snowy Day”

  1. Eat*Drink*Cleveland December 29, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    You are right – it isn’t fair that awesome people are alone. But don’t give up – you WILL find a guy who is perfect for you. ((hugs))

    • Summer January 2, 2013 at 10:22 pm #

      I certainly hope so! Thank you :)

  2. Devyn December 29, 2012 at 6:50 pm #

    You know, 6 months ago, I could’ve written the exact same post as you did. I’ve certainly thought that enough.

    But now… now I’m not sure it’s as clear cut as just “luck.”

    I mean, luck factors into a lot of things in life; that’s just kind of how it goes.

    Here’s what I’ve realized though, it’s not just luck. It’s who you choose to date and who you choose to love. Yes, you DO choose who you love. Love is absolutely a choice.

    A year ago I met a guy I thought was too nice, not “cool” enough, not masculine enough, and doesn’t make me want him enough. So I chose the bad boy I was dating at the time, dated him for 3-4 months, he disappeared on me, and then I spent another 4 months dating VERY casually, not jumping in bed with anyone, and thinking.

    As I pondered things, I slowly began to realize that the nice guy was the one. I’d never met anyone who treated me nicer than he did, never met any guy who I clicked with emotionally as much as we did, and never met any other guy who was as patient with my pace/comfort level as he was.

    So I contacted him again 3 months ago and we’ve been dating since then. The moment I decided he was the one was the moment he felt like “home” to me and all the “he’s not good enough” feelings I had a year ago vanished and I’ve been attracted to him in all ways ever since then.

    What I’ve also realized is that this wasn’t a feeling I could’ve REALLY understood even six months ago. I would’ve seen it a “settling.” Is he perfect? No. Do I still sometimes feel insecure? Yes. But it’s never because of him, it’s always because I think too much and read too much into everything. And he’s in Boston and I’m in California right now, but with him, I have faith that we can take on obstacles that come up, which is something I’ve not felt with anyone else before.

    Anyway, I know you will meet the right guy one day. Until then, I hope you don’t meet with more toads!

    • Thalia April 27, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

      Agree 100%! We should get together and write a book about this.

  3. Dixie December 30, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

    Ughf. Preach it, girl! I am in the “it’s not fair” boat, too. I’m being blown off tonight. Again. By a guy I actually like. Again. I really thought that this one was going to go somewhere. I was wrong. Again.

    I have decided to make myself feel better with a hot toddy and re-watching ‘He’s Just Not That Into You.’

    • Summer January 2, 2013 at 10:20 pm #

      That’s happened to me too many times to count – the being blown off part. It’s always the ones you don’t want who want you and never the ones you want that do! Or at least that’s been my experience.

      • Sarah January 2, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

        OMG yes! Me too! The ones I don’t want won’t leave me alone, and the one I do only contacts me once a month to “get together.” Ugh so frustrating. Yet what am I doing Sunday? Planning to meet up with the once a month-er because I just can’t help myself – bc I like him. And I, of course, think this time maybe he’ll realize I’m awesome and want to see me more. I keep telling myself I will ask this time why he doesn’t want to date me and that I won’t give in to my libido if I don’t get the answer I want. Wish me luck with that one! As a side note, is there some site where you can look to see if any of these online guys are just creepers looking to hookup? I’ve had enough of the “everyone has sex on the third date” (& then doesn’t call) BS!

      • Summer January 4, 2013 at 9:50 am #

        I’d kick the once a month guys to the curb. They like you, but since they are probably seeing ten other women, they clearly don’t want to settle down. There are plenty of men who use the site to date a ton of women and get laid as often as possible. Some of my single guy friends are on there and they are notorious for it…. been doing it on Match.com for YEARS. And it’s totally fine to give into your libido at times – we’re single and have to get it somewhere, ya know?
        There aren’t any sites that I know of, but if you want to email me any screen names I’ll let you know if I know anything. Some of them might be featured on this blog for all we know… and that’s not a good thing. My email is singleinctown@gmail.com

      • Summer January 4, 2013 at 9:51 am #

        Yeah – what is with this sex on the third date? Sorry buddy, but I’m probably the fourth girl you’ve had a third date with this week. Not happening.

  4. daterofboys December 31, 2012 at 10:16 am #

    Ha – it’s like we’re the same person. Many times thinking “why?” and still trying and trying…
    It’s exhausting…but if I sit home on my couch, boys aren’t going to know I’m there…so keep putting yourself out there (and I’ll do the same).

  5. shelia December 31, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

    I am with yall…still trying. Maybe 2013 is our year ;-)

    • Summer January 2, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

      Fingers crossed!

  6. Sarah January 2, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

    I am so glad that I found this blog, it hits right home so often. And, as a fellow 30 yo single girl in Cleveland trying out the internet dating thing, I can’t help but wonder if any of the guys you describe are ones I’ve met up with too…some are just so similar! It seems like the guys I meet are either way too polite/unclear about their sexuality, really strange, or oversexed (eharmony as a hookup site?)…..Good luck to us both!!

    • Summer January 2, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

      Seriously, they just might be. The bulk of guys I’ve written about (with the exception of Bruce the cheater) are currently on Match.com. I keep meeting guys who I swear are gay, downright bizarre and oversexed as well. What the hell is wrong with the Cleveland dating scene?

  7. Day Today Dating January 2, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

    The “why not me” attitude can do more harm than good. Trying to seek out love or and comparing yourself to others is wasted effort. You are a total catch. Focus on friends, family and your passions and hobbies. Then love will find YOU :).

    – K.

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