Anyone know of a decent upholstery cleaner in the Cleveland area?
I recently dated another run-of-the-mill yuppie Cleveland douchebag guy from Match.com. He owned a nice boat and I had some time to kill, so I just went with it. If you’re gonna date around like I do, it’s never a bad idea to keep at least one boat owner in circulation. You know?
My friends and I went out on his boat a few times (my way of saying “thanks for listening to all my shit.”). Plus, he took me to some nice restaurants. I tried to like the guy, but in reality he pretty much just sucked. He sucked at conversation. He sucked at kissing. He sucked in bed. He sucked at returning texts/calls. He loved wearing salmon-colored shirts. Seriously, he just sucked.
He came over to watch a movie with me one night. We were lying on my couch and out of nowhere he began to sweat profusely. Not just a little perspiration, he was virtually drowning in his own sweat. I couldn’t bear to lay next to him since his sweat was soaking into my clothes.
I forced him to lie on the other end of the couch with his head by my feet. His skin had turned bright red and was secreting more fluid than I’m sure is humanly possible. It was like he ran a marathon.. in South Florida… in August. Or I cranked the heat up to 100 degrees in my apartment and we had some hot love making session (yeah, right). But no, we were just watching some movie where George Clooney’s wife dies.
Making him move did little to alleviate my discomfort and disgust. I could feel heat radiating off his boiling skin. I cranked up my air conditioning to the point that I was shivering under a blanket, but he just kept sweating away. I had to get him out, so I did what anyone in my situation would’ve done and faked sickness. I used the always reliable headache/nauseous ailment. It wasn’t a total lie, the thought of Mr. Secretion spending the night with me & sweating up my bed was making my stomach turn. It worked – after the movie he went home and I went to bed (Way to go Summer!).
As I sipped my coffee on the couch the next morning, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the pungent scent of man-sweat. The foul smell sent me running for the Febreeze. As I doused my couch with stench repellant, I couldn’t help but notice the sun shining directly on a brown stain that formed an exact outline of Mr. Secretion’s head.
I stood in disbelief – he oozed all over my beloved couch.
It’s been a little over a month since we’ve spoken. The aftermath of his seeping secretions lingers on. An outline of a sweaty head remains and if you dare put your nose near the soft and cushy armrest, you’ll be greeted by an unpleasant odor. Like the scent of skunk, it’s nearly impossible to fully get rid of! So, out of this relationship… I got a few boat rides, some bad makeout sessions… and an eventual bill to have my couch professionally cleaned.
I’ve done worse.