Archive | June, 2012

Online Dating – They keep getting weirder and weirder

25 Jun

Woot. Woot. I landed myself another Cleveland crazy man.

A few days after my less-than-lovely fallout with Dinky Dick Danny, I found myself at dinner with a new guy. This new guy reinforced the importance of why one should always, always, always meet an online date in a very public location.

From his Match.com profile, this man seemed super normal. (Don’t they all?) 36-year-old attractive and financially well-off male. Indeed, he was attractive. Something felt way off about him. and gave me the creeps. Perhaps it was the fact that he was clearly lying to me about everything.

I was trying to make conversation, so I asked “So, you live in Westlake… where about?”
“In an apartment.” He answered.
“Oh really, me too! Which one is it? I wonder if we are in the same complex.”
“Oh… it’s by Crocker Park.” (There are tons of apartments by Crocker Park).
“Well, which complex?”
“It’s not an apartment… it’s uh, uh, condo.” He responded.
“Where is it? What’s the name?”
“I can’t remember. It’s by Crocker.”
I dropped it.

Later on, he mentioned that he went out in Westlake with his buddies the previous night. Just making conversation, I ask.. “Where do you guys usually hang out around here?”
“Bars.”
“Which ones?”
I could tell he was nervous as he clamored to formulate an answer. “Oh.. you know just some bars.”
I dropped it.

If that wasn’t bad enough, he didn’t know where Detroit Road was, or at least he didn’t know the name of it. (For any non-Clevelanders, Detroit Road is a HUGE road that runs from Cleveland through the west-side suburbs. It’s the main thoroughfare in Westlake, where he supposedly called home.)

Most of the date was spent with him rambling about how much money he made and how he would take me on tons of vacations, to the fanciest restaurants, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. However, not once did he talk about any of his past vacations (for someone who claims to travel the world, you think he’d mention one or two), nor did he discuss any of his favorite restaurants (I asked…) besides Lola. And everyone knows Lola.

I don’t know what the deal was, but I left immediately after dinner. I haven’t returned his numerous calls, texts or emails since. He freaked me out.

crazy text message

texts from a psycho

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Cleveland’s Most Eligible – He’s looking for the perfect online dating profile photo?

23 Jun

Hey ladies. This Cleveland single man on Match.com is waiting for you. He winked at me, but I’m feeling generous so I’ll step back let a lucky Cleveland single woman have a shot with this catch. Now here’s a guy who knows what he wants in a woman…. or at least what he wants in her online  dating profile photo. Something like that.

Regardless, this odd rambling makes up one of the most most bizarre online dating profiles I’ve seen in awhile.  Oh, and this guy is 40! Admittedly, he’s surprisingly very attractive. All beauty and no brains perhaps?  I can’t tell if this a sad attempt at humor or not….  Regardless, enjoy the following novel about his online dating profile photo pet peeves:

“I’m very independent, I live alone so I’m good with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc, I can take care of myself. (Dude. You are 40, I’d hope you have your own place and can take basic care of yourself.)

Adult baby

You have your own house and do your own laundry? Woah… Impressive.

I can’t keep writing the same emails over and over and over again (now you know why some of us cut and paste – not me).  If you wink or email me and I’m not interested I will use the no thank you button and block you. No offense, this doesn’t mean you’re not a great person or attractive you’re just not for me. If you haven’t heard back from me don’t be discouraged you might. I take this one woman at a time instead of a shot gun approach. It’s not easy being bombarded from a couple thousand people – LOL. One last thing, NO DRUNK WINKING!!!!!  (Drunk winking? What on earth dude?)

drunk girl wink

No drunk winking ladies!

THINGS ABOUT MATCH THAT MAKE ME LAUGH: * I can shop for cell phone covers and shower curtains from all the bathroom mirror shots. • When a quarter to half of your face is blocked by the cell phone (mirror shot) and yet you chose that as your main profile picture. * The over head shot showing off the cleavage. * Mean faces, no smile and the famous pucker face. While your at it put up the big “O” face…Great first impression! * Nothing like taking photos of yourself while driving to work. * Women with no photo who preview the guys and expect us to meet them blind. Really? If you have no photo only contact the guys with no photo. * When the pictures of your pets are better than the ones of yourself. * Really far away photos. Nice landscaping! * When there’s at least three girls in every photo and you don’t call yourself out. WHICH ONE ARE YOU? * What guy doesn’t appreciate a good bikini photo, key word GOOD! *

duck face bathroom photo

Duck face in the bathroom? Don’t message this guy.

We can tell when your photos are professionally taken, why? • For your ideal match you have no preference on everything except 150K income! FYI Match doesn’t screen backgrounds…. * You say the bar scene isn’t for you yet every photo is of you and your girlfriends living it up in the bars. * Every other photo is of you at a bar with a dude on your arm and the caption reads “out with friends” makes me start singing “and you say he’s just a friend, and you say he’s just a friend, OH BABY YOU….” * When I get an email asking me what I like to do in my spare time? Did you read my profile? (Yes…) • You need me to contact you on another dating website. Yeah, that’s not a marketing ploy! * You want me to contact you via FB or Personal email because you don’t like communicating using Match. That’s why I’m on here and there’s nothing wrong with the three options match gives you for communicating… •

bikini girl mercedes

Is a Mercedes pic ok if she’s in a bikini? Just looking for consistency dude…

When you have pictures of your dogs in the car and the Mercedes emblem is strategically placed in the background but you still live at your parents. • Who doesn’t appreciate a great scenic shot of the countryside or Europe, I get the conversation piece, however, have more of yourself then your last vacation. Which in most cases was 15 years ago. • Why post pictures of the things you own unless you want someone who’s materialistic. Heaven forbid you wonder why your relationships fail when the money runs out. • When having no intention of getting married again really means having no intention of getting divorced. If this offended you. I apologize!”

I can’t make this shit up. Congrats if you actually made it through.

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