Sex on the third date – “Everyone does it. Just Google it.”

29 Apr

Sex on the third date? Despite the crap I love to talk, I’m not a “sex on the third date” kind of girl. This was a tough concept for a new guy to grasp.

On our 3rd date, Matt invited himself up to my place because he had to use the bathroom. After relieving himself, he joined me on the couch to watch some rerun of The Office. We began making out and after a few minutes he suggested we move to my bedroom. I replied “It’s way too soon to hook up.” True, I’ve spent a total of six or seven hours with the guy. Not quite enough time for him to hop on top of me and start humping away. sex toy

Matt immediately pulled back. Then, he proceeded to fold his arms and pout silently like a five year old child that was denied a puppy. After a few uncomfortable minutes of silence he declared he had to leave. I wasn’t about to stop him. I’m far from a prude, but I also like to be aware of the man’s intentions before becoming intimate. Matt  made his blatantly obvious.

A few minutes after his less than chivalrous exit, I received a text reading “I’m sorry but we aren’t a good match. Good luck with whatever you’re looking for.” Mind you, until this point our dates were going rather well. I enjoyed his company and it seemed like he enjoyed mine. I answer “Ok, well maybe next time you should find another 20-year-old who puts out right away. Or hire a prostitute.”

Ten minutes after he left, he called. I gave in and picked up. Mostly because I was curious how he could possibly defend his “If you won’t have sex with me, I’m outta here” stance. Here are some highlights from our conversation:

“Everyone has sex on the third date. Everyone does it. Just Google it.”
“Being exclusive comes after sex. But, I want to be exclusive with you.”
“I felt such a strong chemistry with you. I haven’t felt this way about someone in awhile.” Yeah, that’s why you just dumped me for not sleeping with you.
“Every long term relationship I had began with sex on the first date.”

sex toy

Correct me if I’m wrong (or old-fashioned), but I like to believe if you genuinely like someone you’d be willing to wait a bit longer for sex to enter the picture. Who wants to do it with someone who isn’t comfortable anyhow? It’s creepy. There’s no set amount of time to wait, but both partners need to be willing and ready. Sex isn’t sexy under pressure and a skewed sense of obligation.

Nonetheless, I’m curious for some reader opinions….. Is sex on the third date expected? Is this the new norm?

Enlighten me please!!

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18 Responses to “Sex on the third date – “Everyone does it. Just Google it.””

  1. The London Socialite April 25, 2012 at 11:54 pm #

    This blog was a very entertaining read. I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. Everyone is entitled to their own values. As for whether sex on the third date is the norm, I don’t believe such a thing. I think it’s whenever/whatever you are comfortable with. You can’t generalize such a thing.

    • Summer April 26, 2012 at 9:46 am #

      Exactly. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first or the 30th date – it’s when BOTH partners are ready. I’m just finding this happening with many different guys here lately. It seems to be a trend!!

  2. The Mexican & The Prince April 26, 2012 at 1:24 am #

    This was perhaps the funniest line we have read in a while. “Everyone has sex on a third date, google it”.

    Uh, we waited for 2 months before we had sex. We wanted to enjoy each others company first. We also wanted to sleep in the same bed together without having to do anything, to be more connected to each others bodies so to speak.

    Once we decided that we wanted to do the long haul, i.e., stay another year in Korea, plans to move to one our cities together thereafter, that it was time to have sex.

    Gurl, that guy is a retard and gave Google way too much credit. He was the guy that stood up in a school presentation and said, “According to Wikipedia…”.

    Mexican and Prince

    • Summer April 26, 2012 at 9:50 am #

      Yes – he is a total idiot. And he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to see him again!!! Ugh! I don’t believe in a set time period for sex, but it needs to be after I feel comfortable with someone and get to know them. And vice versa.
      You guys got it right – sex after commitment. This guy seemed to think it was the other way around. When he said that “Google it” line over the phone, I was running around my apartment trying to locate a pen and paper so I could write it down. I didn’t wanna forget that little nugget of comedic gold.

      • The Mexican & The Prince April 26, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

        The sad thing is, it’s idiots like that who coin such phrases and become immensely wealthy. Ha.

  3. itsmindblowing April 26, 2012 at 5:54 am #

    I think sex is intimate and personal, and you shouldn’t have sex with someone until you’re comfortable enough to be vulnerable like that in front of them. Me and my girlfriend had sex on the second date, but we’d been close friends for nearly a year. Generally I’d wait – not a set period of time, but until I feel comfortable.

    • Summer April 29, 2012 at 12:06 am #

      Yep – especially with meeting the guy on Match.com. Lots of people who use online dating sites tend to be full of shit. There’s no reason to be comfortable with them until they prove otherwise… and that doesn’t happen by the third date.
      And yeah, I’d say you’re pretty comfortable after being close friends for a year. That has to be pretty exciting.

  4. Chris Sheridan April 26, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    “Being exclusive comes after sex…” This way of thinking seems completely bassackwards to me, and yet I hear of it being voiced and acted out frequently by both male and female members of Generation Y. I admire you for not being one of them, but an individual woman who goes with what feels natural, unhurried, unpressured and the right timing for what feels right for you – instead of conforming to what everybody else is supposedly doing.

    It makes me wonder how many young adults end up doing it, whether it’s the right thing to do or not, just because they’ve repeatedly heard and been constantly told that “everybody else is doing it” even when that isn’t really true. So it becomes a self perpetuating myth that gets acted out in an often self destructive way, and the first casualty is the joy of genuine intimacy, which is replaced with sex that is ordinary and commonplace, even boring, and then the boredom becomes cynical and jaded, and the resulting relationships have no real depth or staying power.

    One night stands are as old as sex itself, and they have their place in our sexual experience. And there’s nothing wrong with casual sex, as long as both parties recognize it as such, and aren’t expecting much more than sex from it.

    But this mindset of “First we have sex, and then we try to have a relationship” as the way that men and woman are supposed to bond together as life partners – is a huge mistake and I think it often results in creating a permanent rift between men and women, who know how to fuck, but no longer know how to express and understand their true feelings for each other, so they never know the joy and the soul soothing comfort of the true depth of love.

    • Summer April 28, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

      I just go with what feels right. Sex right off the bat usually does not. And I totally agree- nothing wrong with casual sex as long as both partners are honest about their intentions and comfortable with the circumstances. This was the first I ever heard of the whole ‘Sex before exclusivity’ thing. If that’s how he tries to lure women into bed, I’m sure he spends lots of time with his hand and internet porn instead.

  5. snarkatussin April 29, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    I like that he gave you the reference of Google to reaffirm his obsurdity. While I’ve certainly had sex on third dates, it is by no means a ‘standard’ — I’ve definitely waited until there were talks about directions of the relationship too. I agree with what you’ve said above, it’s all about feeling out the person and having something a bit more substantial (or at least the potential for something) than merely a physical attraction. What a douche.

    • Summer April 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm #

      I know – next he’ll be referencing the Onion. The third date rule is a farce. There’s no “certain time,” it’s when it all feels right. Or if a shit ton of alcohol was involved ;)

  6. Unconfirmed Bachelorette April 29, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    Good for you for throwing him out. And sticking to your guns. You’re my hero.

  7. Paul J. Bussiere April 29, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

    What a dolt.

    Good for you for standing your ground. Call me kooky….but tossing sex into a new relationship isn’t always such a great idea. Its too bad this “guy” is acting on hormones and not interested in getting to know you, be exclusive, start a relationship and so on.

    I’ve had my share of dates where the lady is eager to skip a few dates and howl with the moon all night. It amazes me that the lady feels “rejected” when I don’t think that’s a good way to start off. It isn’t like I am being a prude, stuck up or hoping for acceptance to a divinity school someday. I love sex as much as the next guy…but this 3 date rule…is bogus.

    Capture the heart and mind…the rest will follow, I figure.

  8. John April 29, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

    Matt, come on man, seriously?!?!? He obviously has come to understand the power of the vagina, thus he is far from able to respect it as well!
    Great piece and i do not mean piece of ass here. You managed to capture exactly the dilemma many of us face when it comes to that all important third date… its true – “Google it”!

    Unless its about to fall off or you know you are going to be abducted by aliens later that evening sex on a third date, fourth date or even the fifth date is NOT a given and should never be expected. Sex is easy and prolific – anyone can find a partner in order to exchange bodily fluids in a heated moment of insecure passion. However, when we look to cultivate the seeds of a relationship we must first realize the work that needs to go into learning one another, building a foundation that reflects the chemistry already present. Sex is great, in fact it ranks up there with breathing where i am concerned. But, i want to know the woman inside out (ok not literally at this point) but i need to engage the spirit that arrested my attention. I need to touch her mind, caress her soul and discover the layers in between the beauty she possess before i can begin tasting her sexually.

    I once sat down and went over my long relationships as well as the “project” ones and it seems as if i spent too much time engaging in sex right off the bat then listening (not hearing but listening) and learning my new partner. It seemed as if sex became the knot that once tied – disrupted the relationship. Rather than learning and “seeing”: my partner sex was used to validate our connection yet that connection was fleeting as it had absolutely nothing to stand on.

    Matt, wherever you are, one piece of advice… pouting will get you nothing but a sippy juice box and a quite corner in which to sit in time out. invest the time in learning someone as that demonstrates the value, commitment and respect that you have for that special person you have now taken out on date number three and want to make it to number four. Just because she is interested doesn’t mean that she wants you inside her – i mean maybe it does but not at that moment. And one other thing, as much as i appreciate the power and convenience of texting, don’t passive aggressively text crap like “good luck and that we arent a good match and hope you find what you are looking for. You were what she was looking for but had to jerk it all up because you had to walk a path that didnt honor your highest good – which in turn would definitely not allow you to be someone that could manifest a true and lasting relationship.

    Ok, im out!
    John

  9. Bart Scantlin (@rezn_8) June 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

    To call it a “rule” is whats wrong. If we use the analogy of baseball, which guys like myself love to do, then by the 3rd date its somewhat logical to think that the level of intimacy of two dater’s should be between 2nd & 3rd Base.

    In other words, if you are going on a 3rd date with someone, then unless things are moving at a snail’s pace on the 1st & 2nd date, then you should half way expect for your intimate relations to be reaching the 3rd base area. If you aren’t comefortable with this, it would seem likely to me that you would wanna express on a 1st or 2nd date that you have somewhat old fashion values with regard to how dating works nowadays. I’m not trying to offend by suggesting that your values are “old fashioned” I’m just telling you the way I see it from what I’ve learned.

    • Summer June 23, 2012 at 9:46 am #

      Not offended at all. I do think the third date is kind of quick for sex – ESPECIALLY when you met them online. Thanks to internet dating, the whole “serial dating” thing is the norm for many singles. It’s common for both men and women to be dating someone new every other week now. Not only that, but it’s likely (at the beginning) they are dating you, as well as one or two others. For either gender, that adds up to a ton of sexual encounters if you fool around with everyone by the third date.

      Lots of people use sites like match.com for the sole purpose of getting laid. It’s never been easier. If you play your cards right and pour on the charm, you could have sex with a new person every single week. I’ve ran into quite a few people who use the site for just this. And this is why I don’t sleep with someone on the third date (usually). It’s not that I’m not into them or don’t want to express it, it’s just that I’m looking for a relationship.. not a pump and dump. And I want to be sure their intentions are the same.

  10. Lisa D. February 13, 2013 at 10:00 pm #

    I actually was goggling “sex on the third date”. I personally was beginning to wonder if something was wrong with me for not believing in that “logic”. Plus everywhere I look all I hear about is sex on the 3 rd date. I personally prefer to go at my own pace. People often rush into physical intimacy and unfortunately exploring the depth of a person goes out the window.

    • Summer February 14, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

      I agree with you 100 percent. I’ve made a few bad decisions with becoming intimate too soon – and it never ends well.

      Screw the 3rd date rule. In fact, I’m starting to think no sex until commitment (as in he’s 100 percent ONLY having sex with and dating me) is the way to go.

      I like to think that women can ‘have sex like men.’ Maybe some can, but I can’t. I think lots of women are doing it because that’s the social norm lately, but I can’t imagine that many women are happy having sex with no commitment and no emotion/romance from the man.

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