Archive | April, 2012

Sex on the third date – “Everyone does it. Just Google it.”

29 Apr

Sex on the third date? Despite the crap I love to talk, I’m not a “sex on the third date” kind of girl. This was a tough concept for a new guy to grasp.

On our 3rd date, Matt invited himself up to my place because he had to use the bathroom. After relieving himself, he joined me on the couch to watch some rerun of The Office. We began making out and after a few minutes he suggested we move to my bedroom. I replied “It’s way too soon to hook up.” True, I’ve spent a total of six or seven hours with the guy. Not quite enough time for him to hop on top of me and start humping away. sex toy

Matt immediately pulled back. Then, he proceeded to fold his arms and pout silently like a five year old child that was denied a puppy. After a few uncomfortable minutes of silence he declared he had to leave. I wasn’t about to stop him. I’m far from a prude, but I also like to be aware of the man’s intentions before becoming intimate. Matt  made his blatantly obvious.

A few minutes after his less than chivalrous exit, I received a text reading “I’m sorry but we aren’t a good match. Good luck with whatever you’re looking for.” Mind you, until this point our dates were going rather well. I enjoyed his company and it seemed like he enjoyed mine. I answer “Ok, well maybe next time you should find another 20-year-old who puts out right away. Or hire a prostitute.”

Ten minutes after he left, he called. I gave in and picked up. Mostly because I was curious how he could possibly defend his “If you won’t have sex with me, I’m outta here” stance. Here are some highlights from our conversation:

“Everyone has sex on the third date. Everyone does it. Just Google it.”
“Being exclusive comes after sex. But, I want to be exclusive with you.”
“I felt such a strong chemistry with you. I haven’t felt this way about someone in awhile.” Yeah, that’s why you just dumped me for not sleeping with you.
“Every long term relationship I had began with sex on the first date.”

sex toy

Correct me if I’m wrong (or old-fashioned), but I like to believe if you genuinely like someone you’d be willing to wait a bit longer for sex to enter the picture. Who wants to do it with someone who isn’t comfortable anyhow? It’s creepy. There’s no set amount of time to wait, but both partners need to be willing and ready. Sex isn’t sexy under pressure and a skewed sense of obligation.

Nonetheless, I’m curious for some reader opinions….. Is sex on the third date expected? Is this the new norm?

Enlighten me please!!

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Cleveland dating – Easy ways to ruin a date

28 Apr

Cleveland Dating – Easy ways to ruin a date

Part one in an infinite series.
It’s easy to ruin a date. Here’s how two recent Cleveland men managed to ruin a first date by speaking only a single sentence.

1. “That dude was totally checking out those ‘cans’ of yours.”

Spoken on a first date by a lawyer who apparently had me mistaken for one of his “brahs.” Ick. Never use a slang sexual term for a woman’s body part on the first date. The mentioning of specific sexual body parts (breasts or vagina) is gross until the two of you have done the deed or at least gotten REALLY close. Same goes for the slangy sex terms. Speaking about a female’s vagina or boobs before the first kiss is an easy way to send her running for the hills (while she repeatedly looks back to make sure you aren’t trailing behind).  hey brah

It’s not like I sit around and make comments about your nut-sack “brah.”

2. “Seeing a movie costs $12 and that’s way too much for a movie. I prefer to wait until it comes out on DVD.”

Spoken on a first date by a guy who was clearly unashamed of his frugal ways. Another simple way to ruin a date is complaining about prices of dates to your date. Especially when it’s a $12 movie ticket. Yes, I wanted to go to a movie that night. My penny-pinching date couldn’t stomach the thought of it.

I’m not requesting a trip to Paris, I just wanted to see 21 Jump Street dude. It’s not how much money a man makes, it just matters that he’s not totally tightfisted with his cash. And this particular miserly man made a decent buck. On top of that, he knew I was dieting so he was free and clear of having to purchase popcorn.
Date over.

movie theater

Dinner and a movie? No movie for you!

So there you go folks – two easy ways to ruin a date. These also work as helpful ideas for engaging in date sabotage (getting out of a date with a woman or man you’re not that into).

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A disclaimer to all Cleveland singles

19 Apr

For entertainment value, I primarily discuss bad dates. Writing about my disasters on the Cleveland dating scene isn’t meant to cause any single man or woman to devote Friday nights to watching DVR marathons of 16 and Pregnant.

Truth be told, there have been nice dates in my mix. Some of them didn’t click and some did. I simply don’t divulge their details because no one wants to read “Last night, Bob and I dined at Hyde Park. What a lovely date. As we shared a slice of cheesecake, I realized that Bob had the most ravishing smile. Tall, dark and handsome? Talk about a perfect date!” (Note: this never happened.)

I won’t deny that it’s tough navigating the Cleveland dating world after thirty. Dating is an exhausting endeavor that injects an unwanted element of drama into our already stressful day-to-day lives. There are a ton of walking catastrophes creeping around on the Cleveland singles scene and you’re bound to run into them. However, if you take (lots of) time to sift through the muck – I promise there are some nice guys (and ladies) still out there. Finding the ones that “click” is a different story.
Cleveland, OH

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Adventures in dating a crazy man – Vol. 2

19 Apr

My “love” affair with James the Narcissist was fleeting, but the time spent with him proved priceless.

By societal standards, James was a bigger guy. I’m not perfect myself, so I don’t mind if a guy is packing a few extra pounds. I actually prefer that over someone who looks as if they are straight from the pages of a magazine. James was packing MORE than an extra few pounds. However, his charm (and bank account) managed to draw me in so I didn’t mind.

James rocked the spanx. I’ve never witnessed man-spanx in person until I watched James pull the tight, fat-sucking spandex off himself revealing a stretch-mark covered belly and long, hanging moobs. After seeing the magic spanx worked on James, I’m about to pick some up for myself! Seriously, I’m heading to the store this weekend and stocking up on spanx. Wow. spanx for men

There is a difference between carrying a few extra pounds due to a slow metabolism/genetics and carrying many extra pounds because you don’t take care of yourself. James was the latter. Point blank, he was a pig.

James and I made plans for a final evening. Why? I’m not sure.

Upon arrival, I was greeted by a completely obliterated, drunken James. Surprise, surprise. Immediately, I knew there would be no going out like we planned. I enter his living room and there’s a bag full of Taco Bell. Burritos, Chalupas, Gorditas, Quesadillas – you name it and it was in the bag. All in all, he had between 8-10 Taco Bell items.

I watched in revulsion as James inhaled burrito, after chalupa, after taco. The term “stuffing face” couldn’t be more appropriate. He ate every single item. Sometimes, he’d take a giant bite and half of the contents would slide right out of his mouth because he was too wasted to chew. Lettuce and sour cream coated his facial hair. Cheddar and ground beef traveled downward and stained his t-shirt. Fast food taco meat seeped from his pores. The scent of body odor (from his greasy sweat), stale beer and burritos permeated the air.

4,000+ calories of cheap Mexican food wasn’t enough. James set his inebriated sights on the larger-than-normal, gourmet cupcakes he purchased earlier, intended for his family. After watching him conquer THREE giant cupcakes (the big ones from the specialty cupcake stores), I knew I never wanted to see this mess of a man again. The guy consumed three days worth of calories in a single sitting. I think I gained weight by watching. The whole thing was sick. Adam Richman from Man v. Food has NOTHING on James the Narcissist.

I even gained a couple extra pounds in the few weeks spent with James. All he did was eat and drink, so I ate and drank more. As my best friend put it, “Summer…. He’s sucking you into his fat vortex.”

Enough is enough. pigging out

No more alcoholics. No more sociopaths. No more nut jobs. If anything, James forced me to stop and take a long look at my poor dating habits. Time to turn over a new leaf. If any Cleveland single shows signs of crazy, no matter how charming he may be…. I’m bolting. gluttony

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Cleveland Rock Hall Induction Ceremony 2012 – A bit of good luck for once

16 Apr

Once in a while, the stars align. Even with no tickets and no way of affording tickets that ran from $250-$500 each, I was determined to attend the Rock Hall induction ceremony. Tickets for the general public had sold out in four minutes the day they went on sale.

For weeks, I told everyone I would be in Public Auditorium on Saturday no matter what. My motto was “I’m going. I just don’t know how yet.”  As the show neared, I almost accepted defeat and planned an alternate “Anti-induction night out.”

Friday morning my mom calls to inform me the Rock Hall was selling last minute tickets for the lousiest seats in the place. Thanks mom! Bad seats are better than no seats. I was fortunate to get my hands on two tickets.

Honestly, the seats weren’t bad either. We could see the bands just fine. The only thing we couldn’t see was the screen behind them. No biggie.

G N'R Rock Hall 2012 Induction Cleveland

Best I could do with the lousy iPhone camera - Guns N' Roses after their performance

Like I said, I was determined to be at the concert. And I was. I’ll say, even without Axl, Guns N’ Roses put on an incredible performance. Still, it would’ve been sweet to see them reunite on stage.  RHCP was outstanding as always, but Anthony Kiedis no longer looks hot without a shirt. Oh, the joys of aging. We are all heading down that path quickly though, aren’t we? I’ll probably sound lame, but Donovan and John Mellencamp’s rendition of “Season of the Witch” was stellar. I’m a big closet Donovan fan.

Other times, the stars do not align. I met a Match.com guy out for a drink tonight (only one as I’m about to massively cut back on alcohol consumption to get ready for summer bikini season). There is no way in hell this guy was straight. I didn’t notice his ride until we left, not that it would’ve mattered at that point. He drove a station wagon.

station wagon

Can't take a station wagon driver seriously

Because nothing screams masculinity like a station wagon. For real, what guy buys a station wagon? Drive a pick-up, Kia, a Prius… I don’t care that much. Under no circumstances is a station wagon (or mini van) an acceptable mode of transportation for a 32-year-old child-free professional male. This was definitely not a crossover that resembled a station wagon. It was a full on station wagon.

The Rock Hall induction concert tickets worked out. Now all I need is to meet a straight, non-alcoholic man who doesn’t creep me out or cheat. Having some chemistry between us wouldn’t hurt either. It’s about time for the stars to align and remove me from Cleveland dating hell.

If there’s a such thing as karma. I should be absolved from any past ills by now. I haven’t done anything that horrid to deserve being trapped in the Cleveland dating scene for this long. It’s getting ridiculous.

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Adventures in Dating a Crazy Man – Vol. 1

15 Apr

As I predicted, James the Narcissist and I are finished. Putting up with his utter insanity for two weeks was no small feat. To put it lightly, the man is totally deranged and self-destructive. However, this winner left me with a wealth of funny stories. Where to begin?

Why was I wasting time with psychopath James after our first date signaled impending doom? First, his charisma, energy and wild personality sucked me in. Second, he had lots of money. Money isn’t everything, but when there’s nothing else happening, a man with money can be entertaining. (The only reason he was loaded was because his parents handed him their company, which he will run into the ground eventually.) Really, I had little else going on and James could be a total blast at times.

I soon discovered that James had an abhorrent drinking problem. After I watched him drink a few times, I realized getting fall down drunk wasn’t the “rare occurrence” he made it out to be. It was the norm. I also suspect he was snorting coke, but he blamed his off the wall antics on using “Adderall.” I know plenty of folks on Adderall and no one behaves that way. There were two sides to James and I never knew which one would rear its head. Sometimes he’d be sweet, charming and conversational. Other times he’d be edgy, hyper, impulsive, rude and all over the damn place. I wouldn’t introduce him to my friends because I wasn’t sure what James would show up. drunk man

Back to his chronic alcoholism. I get a phone call on a Friday night to meet him at a local bar. I was on a bad date when he called and delighted in an excuse to escape. I arrive at the bar and find James – completely soaked in sweat, slurring his words and stumbling all over the place. It was gross. He informed me he left his car somewhere in Tremont (we were in Westlake) and needed a ride home later. I had a few drinks while James pounded shot after shot. His bar tab was $400.

I received sympathetic looks from onlookers as James wobbled around the bar screaming and causing an obnoxious scene. He kept trying to make out with me, but I repeatedly pushed him aside because people were staring….. It was mortifying.

So, I finally shove him out of the bar, but had to stop at my apartment before driving him home. Despite my orders for him stay put while I ran up, he crawled out of my car and tried to make his way upstairs.

In my hallway, he was breathing heavy and growling at my neighbor who was arriving home from the bar. Impeccable timing. Yes, James was growling. From the third floor, I screamed at him to get the hell upstairs. He tried, but collapsed on the stairs and couldn’t get up. There I stood in the hallway – with my neighbor and James the buffoon who was sprawled out on the stairs muttering undecipherable words and moaning. Mind you, he was DRENCHED in his own perspiration and his shirt was half way off, revealing his less than flattering shape. (No spanx today?)

passed out drunk

Train wreck. Total train wreck. This is not the “real” James,

I’m sure my neighbor was laughing his ass off at this disaster of a man I was bringing up to my apartment. I was humiliated. Nothing says “I’m a loser”  like a growling,  slightly overweight drunken man passed out on our hallway stairs.

I used the bathroom, took my dog out and was ready to take him home. Not surprising, he was  passed out on my living room floor. After a little coaxing, I got him up and down the stairs without incident.
We get to my car and he immediately climbed in the backseat.

Me: “I’m not a damn chauffeur. Get in the front.”
James: “Grunt… Grunt…erja’rj’aer”
Me: “Get in the front. Now.”
James: “No.”
Me: “I f’ing mean it. This is embarrassing.
James: “Greaqgyarat’eo’”

Standing outside my neighbor’s patios arguing with an incoherent 36-year-old man to get in the passenger seat (or at the very least put his legs inside my car) was not a high point in my life.

I finally got him home (he didn’t budge from the backseat). Upon reaching his door, he realized he lost his house key during the day. He broke into his own house through a back window.

I stepped inside to grab some water. James made a futile attempt to go upstairs to use the bathroom, but was only able to walk up three stairs before taking another tumble. He surrendered and passed out on the staircase. Feeling disturbed, I left him there and went home. Last I checked, I didn’t sign up on Match.com to babysit a 36-year-old man.

drunk guy

Oh James!

More Cleveland dating adventures with James to come.

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Nerd dating in Cleveland

13 Apr

According to my nerd-dating sister, I need to date the nerdy men because they are nicer.
Trying to heed this dating advice, I gave nerd dating shot. I went out with Kirk. While attractive enough to feed my shallow side, he was a little on the nerdy side. So, what did I learn from this Cleveland nerd?

The silent ones can be just as deadly.

Take Kirk for example. After our second date, I knew it was headed nowhere. He was fairly attractive, successful, super tall, but everything about this man was awkward. I wanted to like him, I tried to like him.. I didn’t like him. Absolutely zero chemistry. After Date 2, I longed to cut ties. The only problem was on our first date I promised to attend a charity event with him the following week. Begrudgingly, I succumbed to a third date.

Kirk lied about the charity event and led me to believe it was going to be a nice affair. Imagine my surprise when we pull up to a smelly VFW hall with rusty chairs and yellow, nicotine stained walls. Since I was trapped, I tried to make the most of it by drinking copious amounts of room temperature Chardonnay. Kirk followed suit with warm draft beer. After a few beers, Awkward Kirk became downright embarrassing and weird.

We were at a table with a bunch of strangers aged 25-35 years. Awkward like always, Kirk tried to amuse our tablemates with horribly cheesy jokes and trying to convince everyone to start up a “USA” chant (WTH?). No one laughed. He was trying way too hard to impress everyone instead of just acting like a normal human being.

So embarrassing.

Our date took an unnerving turn when an old female friend of his stopped by our table. This woman innocently mentions that she never had a sip of alcohol until she turned 25. Good ol’ Kirk chimes in “Yeah, then she just started opening her legs like crazy. She’s been spreading her legs all over town ever since. Haha.. she just can’t stop banging everyone.” The way he said this sent shivers down my spine. Not only was it creepy, it seemed almost vindictive, like maybe there was a past with this girl. Who knows?! It was disturbing.

The table fell into an uncomfortable silence. No one mentioned sex. His sex comment came totally out of left field. I had to protect my dignity, so I snapped at him in front of everyone, “Why the hell would you say that? That’s insanely creepy. Seriously, I’m creeped out right now.”

Will hung his head and apologized. The freaky fun didn’t end there. About an hour later, I spilled water on my chest. No big deal. Except Will found it necessary to loudly interject “Whoa.. you just spilled that water all over your tits. All over them tits.”

Tits? Gross. My response was “Time to go.”

I had absolutely no physical contact with this dude. No hand holding, no kissing.. nothing. For him to make any comment regarding my tits was just plain out strange and disturbingly inappropriate.

Rule of thumb – no sexual comments regarding my boobs or anything else unless we’ve had sex!

Closet pervert? Like they say… it’s always the quiet ones….
Nerds may not be not for me.
nerd dating

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