Hi. My name is Summer and I have a thing for men with sociopath and psychopath tendencies.
I make poor choices when it comes to men. Most men I date aren’t necessarily psychopaths, but that could be because I never date any of them long enough for the traits to emerge. I think you have to make it past the honeymoon stage, six months or so, to really know if you’re dealing with a sociopath/psychopath.
The front page of Huffington Post featured an article entitled “Are you dating a psychopath?” I took it as a sign and decided to do some reading. I always figured sociopaths/psychopaths were people who lived in basements, devised plots to blow up buildings and choked cats or something. Surprisingly, this isn’t the case.
This guy might not be a psychopath
I’ve had my share of insane ex-boyfriends. Little did I know, I may have a fixation for quasi-sociopaths and quasi-psychopaths. Sociopath or psychopath – they seem pretty similar. I roped the traits together for the purpose of this article. Use them interchangeably.
According to these traits, I dated a full on psychopath for three years. Seriously, the guy belonged in an institution. It’s refreshing to be able to put a label on it now. Lesson learned. When family and friends beg you to get away from someone – just do it and don’t ask questions.
So… are you dating a sociopath? A psychopath? Here’s a few common characteristics to help you decide and get the hell out:
- Sociopaths are some of the most beguiling people you’ll meet. Superficial charm oozes from their pores and they’ll have you licking it up. Sociopaths are well-liked by many, but often have few close friends. Sociopaths will shower you with stories about their friends and their past, but you’ll notice they aren’t in very close contact with these people. Upon meeting a sociopath, it’s likely they will be on their best behavior and have you fooled into thinking they are the best person ever. This will change rapidly within a month or so when their true colors emerge.
- Sociopaths exude confidence. Initially, those who date a sociopath may find their confident attitude refreshing and fun. Sit tight and after a little while you’ll discover that they are simply arrogant, narcissistic and think they are smarter/better than you.
- Lack of remorse or guilt. Sociopaths/Psychopaths can lie, cheat, hurt and use others without feeling the teeniest ounce of guilt. They lack empathy that a normal person would have. If your partner is a sociopath/psychopath they will not feel obligated to stay faithful. When they stray, no guilt is felt. Cheating will become a regular phenomenon. They are pathological liars and you’ll begin to see holes in their stories. If caught in a lie, they usually laugh it off as nothing.
- Can’t accept responsibility for own actions. No matter what they do – they will find a way to twist it around and place the blame on you. Nothing is ever their fault.
- Sociopaths lack emotion and exude coldness. Pour your heart out to a sociopath and it’s likely you’ll be met with an eerie blank stare. If you’re lucky they may acknowledge for feelings for a moment, but it will be short lived. Very short lived.
- Manipulative. Sociopaths/Psychopaths are smart, cunning little fuckers. They know precisely what to say to get what they want. If you suspect something is wrong, they will make it seem as if you’re crazy. Sociopaths want nothing more than to control you.
- Impulsive. Sociopaths rarely plan ahead. They will take quick action to indulge random whims. Excitement is craved 24/7. This impulsive behavior often leads to cheating with no regret.
- Dark Temper. Sociopaths will have you walking on eggshells. You never know when the slightest thing will send them into a huge temper tantrum.
- Multiple personalities. Your partner seems like two totally different people. One day, they can be sweet and social. The next day a switch gets flipped and they turn dark and jealous for no apparent reason. Of course they won’t tell you why. The mood swings become a vicious cycle.
- Obsessive control. A psychopath partner may become obsessive about knowing what you are doing at all times. If you miss a phone call by one minute, it could send them into a rage. If you talk to a member of the opposite sex – prepare to face the firing squad. However, they can do whatever they want. If you question it, they get angry. Psychopaths will go through your phone, hack into your email, spy on you and more. Even after you break up, they will devise ways to track you down. You may never be fully rid of them.
- Sociopaths seek to isolate their partners. They will keep you from friends and family and make you feel guilty for spending time with others. Slowly, you’ll find yourself losing friends until your nut-job of a partner is all you have left. That’s exactly how they want it. It’s all about control after all.
- Secretive. Very very secretive. You feel like they are hiding something. They are.
- They will chip away at your confidence. Sociopaths are smart and know your weaknesses. The idea that you’re dating someone who treats you so poorly will begin to erode your self-esteem regardless.
- Your family and friends all want you to get away from this person.
I’m naturally attracted to boisterous, witty and overly- charming men. Could this be the problem? Am I seeking out psychopaths? I’ve always known my gravitation towards arrogant narcissists was detrimental to my love life. I never realized I had a “type.” However, all the men I fall for possess that same outgoing and charismatic personality. Ugh… pattern. Bad pattern.
This guy could totally be a psychopath.
Acceptance is the first step, right?
Perhaps I need to find a quiet or shy man next time around. This pattern must be broken.
‘I’m naturally attracted to boisterous, witty and overly- charming men.’ – me too! But I’m also attracted to kindness, emotional intelligence and empathy – and, although I tried dating shy men, the spark is missing. I crave the excitement, the boisterousness, the charisma. I’m a bit of a sensation seeker, you see.
I was wondering – have you noticed any patterns of behaviour in the bedroom? Were your quasi-psychopath exes more selfish in bed, for example?
I really enjoy reading your blog! x
Same happens to me when I date one of the shy ones – I’m quickly bored. Like you said, there’s no “spark.” Then I proceed to seek out another obnoxious and cocky one.
Great question! You really got me thinking Quasi-psychopath are supposed to be bad/selfish in bed according to everything I read. It makes sense given their lack of empathy and feelings. However, I’ve found the opposite. The psychopath and and quasi-psychopaths were all incredible in the bedroom. It’s like the more of a crazed asshole they were, the more generous they were in bed. Weird….
Also, the ones who fall into the psychopath categories seem to have a greater appetite for sex. They want it MUCH more often – multiple times a day even. Since they are good in bed, it’s usually not a problem for their mate. Perhaps this is what causes them to be excellent lovers. They have no choice since their sexual needs must be satisfied so often. With sex, I guess they are smart enough to know they have to give pleasure in order to receive it regularly.
I love your blog as well – I’ve enjoyed reading about Albert. That’s a tough, heartbreaking situation. You’ve done an excellent job writing about the relationship. Like you, I fall in love with the wrong people, so I know it’s easier said than done to say “Kick him out and move on.” I have a feeling your head is probably telling you that. However, the heart and libido are always more powerful than the mind.
There goes my theory… this reminds me of what guys often say, that crazy girls are good in bed. We should conduct further research!
Thank you all for sharing such gut wrenching stories.
I’ve been visiting these kinds of sites for more than 20 years; have been in therapy (insest/child rape/physical & mental abuse) 30 years; been in the phsych ward 6 times; tried suicide twice; been married to 3 sociopaths and am actually considering going on to a fourth!
I read and reread information and all I do is confirm that yup… I can’t stay away from sociopaths. I know these guys inside and out but just can’t say no to them. Friends, family members and therapysts tell me to run for the hills and the more they say that, the more I run toward them. My first one beat me and my son for 12 years and it wasn’t til he held a gun to my head that I finally left… I ended up in the phsych ward because I just knew it was all my fault.
I’ve learned that I have such low self esteen stemming from my abusive childhood that I feel this is all I deserve in live. I mean, who would want damaged goods except a sociopath? After all, it was a sociopath that did this to me as a child…
They don’t care… They have no empathy… They are mean and cruel and chances are they were also abused as children.
I am so empathic and understanding that to this day I feel that if I could just ‘get through’ to these poor souls that their life could be so much better and fulfilling that they would see what they’ve been doing and stop…
Gotta go… my latest sociopath is waiting for me to return his call and is going to grill me as to why it took me so long to call him back.
I swear to Jesus Mary and Jerome that I will never date a guy with a whopping load of charisma! Each time I found that personality type, he teetered on sociopath tendencies. It has been a number of years since I dated Ted, that crazed loon who locked me in a closet among other things. But I learned a great deal about what to avoid from that relationship. Hope you are rebounding okay, my friend. Great post!!
Yes! How did it take me 30 years to see this pattern?? Ted seems like an extreme example. I say I’ll stay away from charisma-laden men, but knowing me, I’ll be drawn right back to one.
As far as rebounding from the latest break-up – totally fine. I hardly saw the guy so my life has been impacted very little. If anything, it’s less stressful because I’m not worrying about his constant blow-offs. Thanks for asking!
I dated a sociopath/psychopath/charismatic man for four and a half years!!! To say it is hard to break this cycle as well as get out of said relationship is an understatement. The frustrating part is being well aware of it and yet still doing it!
Thanks for the follow on Twitter and I already LOVE your blog…you’ve gained a reader!
Vice-versa. I loved your piece on on vague-booking!
I was with a psychopath for 3… what a waste. At least we know what NOT to look for. I wasn’t even aware that I had a “type” until I read a few articles the other day. Better late than never.
Don’t get me wrong, I have put up with some stuff that would drive other women out of their ever lovin’ minds… But I guess we all pick our poison. Dating someone like you described here would send be running the opposite direction with my hair on fire!
We are in a similar place tho… As I have taken up a quest to find out why I am so attracted to the emotionally unavailable & thereby hopefully cure it.
Hope you cure ur sociopath thing. I don’t know how your psyche can take it. You must be a stronger woman than I!
Especially for 3 years. At least we know I’ll never commit that big of a dating faux-pas ever again. The next time I spot a man who is loud, boisterous and overkills the charm, I’m running for the hills. The center-of-attention, witty and insanely charismatic ones manage to get me every time. Those are the ones to watch out for apparently.
Brilliant post. It has me wondering whether you dated Mack for three years.
Writing this was really eye-opening. I didn’t even know what a psychopath was until I read that Huff Post article that day. Turns out, the type I go for is the most likely type to be a psychopath. It’s good to know.
Cool blog post. You’re spot on. I’m a guy and I unfortunately seem to be attracted to psycho/sociopath women. Just finally divorced a woman who fit the bill of all but a couple of the things on your list. Fun, loud, exudes self confidence, sense of undeserved entitlement, lack of empathy, pathological liar, manipulative, guilt trip/silent treatment galore, shifts blame, “it’s all your fault”, porn star in bed, very very exciting, attractive, and absolutely difficult to give up even though I know she’s terrible and my friends and family hate her. Hopefully through counseling I can learn to be interested in normal (boring) women who actually take responsibility for their lives.
It’s nice to hear about others who are aware of this.
Thank you. I feel your pain. The bulk of men I date fit this bill. Like you, I need to try my ass off to learn to like the more “boring” types. Writing this post was very eye-opening!
Just got out of a most damaging experience with a posterchild for sociopathy….he is so goodlooking that he has a string of women at all times jumping to be with him….he is so dangerous and I was dragged though the mud by him….Im still healing and hoping someday I will look back on this experience with this monster as a faraway unimportant memory. I have never experienced something so horrible as this and was almost convinced that this person was the son of the devil so many times…..heartless, soul-less, and cold to the bone….didnt know human beings were capable of such disregard, disrespect for others…my heart goes out to all the innocent good people who cross paths with these monsters. My only advice is to run fast the other way when you realize youre dealing with one of them….its not worth it!
me too we just broke up ,after reading this now i get my answers he was a psychopath
I enjoyed reading this post. I am firmly convinced that I recently had a “relationship” (which it really isn’t as they have no true emotions) with a psychopath. I have never met anyone like him before and red flags were all over that I ignored. Thankfully, it was only months, not years. But, the damage he inflicted feels like years worth. I wish you well.
I’ve found a few of them. Let’s just say I steer clear of lawyers and investment bankers now.
The best thing about dating a psychopath is that you can now recognize the signs to ensure you won’t get caught up in that again! Until I found a random article on Huff Post, I had no idea what a psychopath really was.
Here’s to the both of us being psychopath-free!
wow. Thanks for that very insightful post. From my experience and for a long time. could not pin point what was happening.. I felt many things. But always knew something was really wrong. Why was it my fault all the time? Ive been out of that relationship for 3 yrs now and im still healing..Your post fine tuned it for me. I get it now.. And may i humbly add that women fall into this category as well.. What really hurts the most is all the people that get behind someone like that as if he’s the victim and such a great guy.. And your just crazy..
Yes, psychopath boyfriends will ALWAYS turn everything on you and make it seem as if its your fault even when it isn’t. Psychos can’t see their own faults and rarely take blame for arguments, etc. Of course, women can be psychopaths as well. I’m sure there are quite a few women out there who lack empathy and exhibit little to zero remorse for their actions. It would be interesting to read something written by a man about dating a woman psychopath.
i met a guy who had all the traits of a psychopath however i didnt know at the time. i thought his overly friendlyness, made friends easily, arrogance (basically ALL of the traits you listed in your story, i thought were the norm. unfortunately i had a baby with this physchopath & found out all the lies, cheating, games etc later. its been a very difficult road since the love of my life my daughter is involved. i can not give up on her but i pray he gets caught soon!
Thank you all for sharing such gut wrenching stories.
I’ve been visiting these kinds of sites for more than 20 years; have been in therapy (insest/child rape/physical & mental abuse) 30 years; been in the phsych ward 6 times; tried suicide twice; been married to 3 sociopaths and am actually considering going on to a fourth!
I read and reread information and all I do is confirm that yup… I can’t stay away from sociopaths. I know these guys inside and out but just can’t say no to them. Friends, family members and therapysts tell me to run for the hills and the more they say that, the more I run toward them. My first one beat me and my son for 12 years and it wasn’t til he held a gun to my head that I finally left… I ended up in the phsych ward because I just knew it was all my fault.
I’ve learned that I have such low self esteen stemming from my abusive childhood that I feel this is all I deserve in live. I mean, who would want damaged goods except a sociopath? After all, it was a sociopath that did this to me as a child…
They don’t care… They have no empathy… They are mean and cruel and chances are they were also abused as children.
I am so empathic and understanding that to this day I feel that if I could just ‘get through’ to these poor souls that their life could be so much better and fulfilling that they would see what they’ve been doing and stop…
Gotta go… my latest sociopath is waiting for me to return his call and is going to grill me as to why it took me so long to call him back
I polished my post up a bit and wanted to add myself to the response mailing list so I’m reposting
I read someone’s post earlier interested in hearing about female Sociopaths. I’m a guy and have been in a relationship with a female sociopath for the last 8 months. it was only 3 days ago that I found out what a sociopath was. She pulled me in quick, claimed she was separated but living with an abusive husband she had bruises all over her shortly after we were together. Everything seemed so fast like a fairy tale, it felt too good to be true. She literally was living with me about a week after we met, jobless, and waiting to get in the NAVY. She always seemed attentive to my needs, stroked my ego, kept the house immaculate and appeared to want to bend over backward to please me. However I did have to always keep her stimulated, she always wanted me to herself, blew up my phone when I wasn’t around. I found myself playing taxi for her, my life revolved around her. She loved wearing sexy clothes, lingere, she had the attention of every guy around when we went out and loved showing her body off. Hands down best sex ever and lots and lots of it! What I started noticing is she could tease me but if I playfully retaliated back she would snap, she started seeming like two different people, and I felt like I was on eggshells around her all the time like I had to be careful of her feelings. She came from a troubled past. I eventually found out she cheated on her husband at least 10 times, was a heroine addict for 2 years, is an alcoholic, her Father diagnosed as a sever bipolar (which I think was probably a misdiagnose he is also a Sociopath), she has a ex boyfriend that committed suicide. I used to joke around and say we were Pinky and the Brain and tonight we were going to try to take over the world. What I didn’t know is they like stuff like that. Anytime she was wrong it turned out in to a battle and I was made to feel like an ass for confronting her. She started saying “shut up” to me all the time, and when I corrected her she would tell me to stop bitching at her all the time. Another one of her favorite lines is “I don’t give a fuck”. Back in to her history she could never keep a job, she has over $80,000 in debt and will be filing bankruptcy. She has an obsession with staring in to my eyes. She does weird things, people playfully call her weird, and she is actually proud of being different. She would tell me a lot of stories that never made sense, and I started having suspicions of her pretty early on but could never really prove anything. I always thought it was weird she had less than 100 people on her FB for someone that was always talking about how popular they were, especially weird for a young, beautiful, charismatic girl in her mid 20′s. I later found out she was on the top ten most wanted in a city in her home state, but I couldn’t read the article it was archived and not available. Apparently her and her husband knew each other for 2 months before they were married and she ran his life. Even had him move to another state with her so that she could join the Navy and as soon as she got what she wanted she was packed up and gone with me. I remember the day he texted her when he got home and found her packed up and out she shed very few tears and was quickly over it no remorse. I honestly thought I was just doing a good job cheering her up. I remember how she would avoid me and give me the silent treatment when she was pissed making her wrong doings seem like my fault. She would get so cold over some of the dumbest things and the look she would have in her eyes actually frightened me some times it looked like murder, although I scared her a few times with that same murderous looked when I finally lost my cool. She cried a lot, but the things she got upset about never bothered her for long. She never really seemed to feel sorry for anything she did, she was carefree, reckless, and never thought about consequences. Had I known what a sociopath was I would have seen her for what she was and caught all this behavior. We lived together for about 5 months before she went to boot camp. I was spending every penny I had to support us and provide her need for alcohol. I remember one day she drank a case of 12 beers and a bottle of wine I bought the night before. I went to the fridge to grab a beer after work and it was all gone. I confronted her and called her inconsiderate and we fought about it. She was getting money wired to her from her brother from what she said. We went to the grocery store, she jumped out of the car got her money from the wire and replaced what she bought. Actually I think she just wanted more alcohol. I couldn’t help but think how relieved I was about my finances when she left I was able to get caught back up on my bills. All her belongings are still at my house rent free. While she was in boot camp I wrote her every day and she did the same same I was pretty much her point of contact and keep her in touch with her family and handled all her affairs while she was gone. little did I know that he family wanted nothing to do with her. Out of all the people in the world I was the only one that cared. She started acting insecure and upset about me going out. I decided not to put myself in a position where she would have to question what I was doing. All I did was go to the gym, store, and work. I pretty much stayed locked up in my house. She alienated me from my friends and family. I put my life on hold for her for 2 months. Spent $1,200 to visit her for total maybe 12 hours. She didn’t want anything to do with her family. Looking back now it seemed like I spent $1,200 to have sex with her 2 times, get set up on my cell phone service and get her a cell phone. She offered to give me some money I only asked for 200.00 not wanting to carry around lot of money in Chicago. Over the last 2 months while she has been in training more of my life on hold. I ordered and sent her anything she wanted or needed. She called me all the time, and sent gifts to me. She promised me for over 3 months to wire, transfer or send me some money. I eventually got a $2,000 check. originally when she went to boot camp she asked for my routing and acct number so she could wire me money. She did give me access to her bank account so I could pay for her things with her money. She paid $500 for a hotel for me to come visit and another $600 to come visit me during the holidays. Over the last 3 weeks she has been acting bored, disinterested and annoyed with me. I first thought it was the stresses of her training. She was going out all the time and blowing money like crazy I started feeling like an option and not a priority. Stories didn’t make sense, when I asked for details she would get upset, and defensive. When I started presenting facts she would act like I was crazy and glare at me. I really don’t understand it, but it was like she would call me and not even realize she was telling on herself. I started documenting what she said she was doing, analyzing pictures she was sending me, times, places, text messages, picture messages, and call logs. I found out she was cheating on me. She still doesn’t know that I know. The evidence is irrefutable. She even told me yesterday she was being charged with adultery by the NAVY for an affair she is having with a guy in the Air force that was my prime suspect, but denies it and says that it’s not true. We’ll actually find out the truth in about 5 hours as to her punishment and the verdict. Everything is pretty much paid for by her for this trip. I’m supposed to be flying out tomorrow and actually am going. We will spend 5 days together and she will be coming home for 9. It’s amazing how convincing she is every day she can look me in the eyes and tell me how much she loves, misses, adores me etc. it’s an amazing almost convincing act, except for the fact that I know the truth and she has no clue that I do. I’m not really sure how to handle this. I know I sound like a dumb ass, and I should have caught the warning signs earlier. I’m actually a very confident person and not insecure. I went through my frustrations of betrayal, hurt anger, and sadness, now I’m just numb I feel drained, exhausted, and indifferent. She had me ready to give up my home, dog, family, friends, and job to follow her wherever she was stationed. I was really convinced I’d do anything for this woman who I thought loved me as much as I loved her. Her relationship while experiencing it seemed like a fantasy, looking back now knowing what a sociopath is I have a revelation. I do still love her, I have a hard time finding anger, because it’s not really her fault she is like this. It’s like punishing a retarded kid for not being smart. I really wish these people could be helped. I’m so confused right now. my gut says run far far away, everything I read says the same, but my heart still longs for her. I feel like such an ass. She fed it all to me hopes and dreams, passion, excitement, everything a man would want in a woman hook line and sinker. Now she’s screwing up in the military and going to be in a lot of trouble. I don’t know if I should reach out to people that need to be warned or am I jeopardizing my own safety. I have so many questions and I’m so confused, I never could have thought anyone could be so heartless.