I don’t want to see your penis. Really, I don’t.

19 Feb

Penises are the new roses.

In the online dating world, there’s tons of competition. Some men will go to great lengths to gain the attention of their chosen lady. So, what’s their ingenious idea to win your heart? Show you their penis of course! I’m not sure of the rationale behind the latest spike in penis picture sending. Reading many dating blogs, this seems to be an increasingly regular occurrence. Perhaps the male species finds arousal in the idea of you checking out their junk. Maybe they think us women will find it sexy and immediately proceed to masturbate over the image of their below average, veiny and often unkempt penis. False sense of penis pride? One thing is for sure, no sane woman will EVER respond favorably to a stranger’s creepy wiener photo.

Why is it crooked?

And what is with these guys taking the pictures while they stand over a toilet? Did they just pee?

My best friend is a gay male. Like many of us, he is also involved in the misery that is online dating. He receives at least 2-3 messages per day on his Cleveland dating app that feature attached photos of skeevy schlongs. And rarely are they good looking penises. Playgirl material these men are not – their things are better left to the imagination. Gay or straight, no sane or moderately stable person wants to date a whack job who whose idea of “wooing” and “romance” includes proudly flashing their hairy ball sack.

What is that weird bump on the side of your penis?

To further my point, my best friend recently bought a used iPhone off Craigslist. He got it from some Lakewood dude (Watch out… He lives on Robin in Birdtown) who was probably 30-years-old. Upon turning it on, we found HUNDREDS of photos of this guy’s junk that he was sending to women. For an added personal touch, this guy would write each woman’s name with black marker on his erect penis. The accompanying messages always read “You Like?” Many other photos featured this man bent over spreading his cheeks to show off his hairy butthole. He left his email logged on and let’s just say… those were even worse. You know, nothing screams romance like writing a woman’s name on your wiener and showing her the location where your feces emerge.

The only men who send pictures of their junk are the men whose penises no one ever wants to see. I have yet to meet a woman who thinks it’s a wonderful idea to send photos of her vagina to potential suitors. (I’m sure they are out there…)

Sexting your boyfriend/girlfriend is one thing. Sending photos of your nasty penis to a stranger is another. What ever happened to sending a cute e-card or surprising women on the first date with flowers? Instead we now receive a vomit-inducing picture of a small, crooked penis with the caption “You Like?”

No. We don’t. We don’t “like.”

Is that a bug or speck of dirt on the tip?

Dear men of Cleveland,
Keep the meat in your pants.
All the dateable women in Cleveland

gross penis

You call that a penis?

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16 Responses to “I don’t want to see your penis. Really, I don’t.”

  1. Cadence Harper February 19, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    Haaa! Great post! The worst is the surprise and thoroughly inappropriate far too early for me to see your schlong pic. It’s like cock sabotage!

    • Summer February 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

      Cock sabotage! I love it!!!

  2. snarkysnatch February 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

    I don’t mind a fella sending me a shot of his penis, if I have spent some enjoyable time with it. I look at like a vacation pic, if I have been there, I might want it in my album.

    As lovely as erections are, I have never seen one so incredible that it needed to be documented. Worse, is when a gent asks for a snap of my kitty. I just hired a snatch stylist and lighting crew, in lieu of these requests though.

    Great post!!

    • Summer February 19, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

      A penis pic is okay if it’s a penis that I know and love. A penis photo is also okay if I seek it out. You can’t just lay it on someone as a surprise. And you certainly can’t send it to someone you haven’t met or just met. Ick.

  3. daterofboys February 21, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

    I’m just thankful I’ve never been a target for this…

  4. Jen and Tonic February 21, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    The thing with writing the girls’ names on his penis is quite clever. That way, he always knows who he has sent the picture of his penis resting on a ring pillow to.

    This was HILARIOUS.

    • Summer February 22, 2012 at 8:41 pm #

      Gives it the sweet and personal touch! Thanks :)

  5. Erin McNaughton February 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    That’s pretty disturbing…thankfully, I’ve not had to deal with that…yet.

    • Summer February 22, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

      Honestly, I haven’t either. My sister used OkCupid and got quite a few. My friend also gets them. I’m not penis photo worthy I guess.

  6. Cadence Harper February 21, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    Nominated you for a blogger award, sista! Cheers! http://search4asoulmate.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/oooooh-im-soooo-versatile

  7. preachersdaughter69 March 14, 2012 at 9:21 am #

    Sometimes I prefer to get a sneak peek, but it’s always nice when they ask permission first. Just sending you the pic without telling you is rude. I’ve opened penis pics before & wasn’t expecting it at all. Then I’m left scrambling to close the pic on my phone or computer before anyone sees. LOL

    • Summer March 19, 2012 at 11:43 pm #

      It’s a penis bomb!


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