Archive | February, 2012

I don’t want to see your penis. Really, I don’t.

19 Feb

Penises are the new roses.

In the online dating world, there’s tons of competition. Some men will go to great lengths to gain the attention of their chosen lady. So, what’s their ingenious idea to win your heart? Show you their penis of course! I’m not sure of the rationale behind the latest spike in penis picture sending. Reading many dating blogs, this seems to be an increasingly regular occurrence. Perhaps the male species finds arousal in the idea of you checking out their junk. Maybe they think us women will find it sexy and immediately proceed to masturbate over the image of their below average, veiny and often unkempt penis. False sense of penis pride? One thing is for sure, no sane woman will EVER respond favorably to a stranger’s creepy wiener photo.

Why is it crooked?

And what is with these guys taking the pictures while they stand over a toilet? Did they just pee?

My best friend is a gay male. Like many of us, he is also involved in the misery that is online dating. He receives at least 2-3 messages per day on his Cleveland dating app that feature attached photos of skeevy schlongs. And rarely are they good looking penises. Playgirl material these men are not – their things are better left to the imagination. Gay or straight, no sane or moderately stable person wants to date a whack job who whose idea of “wooing” and “romance” includes proudly flashing their hairy ball sack.

What is that weird bump on the side of your penis?

To further my point, my best friend recently bought a used iPhone off Craigslist. He got it from some Lakewood dude (Watch out… He lives on Robin in Birdtown) who was probably 30-years-old. Upon turning it on, we found HUNDREDS of photos of this guy’s junk that he was sending to women. For an added personal touch, this guy would write each woman’s name with black marker on his erect penis. The accompanying messages always read “You Like?” Many other photos featured this man bent over spreading his cheeks to show off his hairy butthole. He left his email logged on and let’s just say… those were even worse. You know, nothing screams romance like writing a woman’s name on your wiener and showing her the location where your feces emerge.

The only men who send pictures of their junk are the men whose penises no one ever wants to see. I have yet to meet a woman who thinks it’s a wonderful idea to send photos of her vagina to potential suitors. (I’m sure they are out there…)

Sexting your boyfriend/girlfriend is one thing. Sending photos of your nasty penis to a stranger is another. What ever happened to sending a cute e-card or surprising women on the first date with flowers? Instead we now receive a vomit-inducing picture of a small, crooked penis with the caption “You Like?”

No. We don’t. We don’t “like.”

Is that a bug or speck of dirt on the tip?


Dear men of Cleveland,
Keep the meat in your pants.
Sincerely,
All the dateable women in Cleveland

gross penis

You call that a penis?

About these ads

My Dating Blog Loving!

19 Feb

My blog was shown some love courtesy of Teri at The Narcissist’s Blog. Thanks to her, I was nominated for 3 awards: the Liebster Blog Award, The Candle Lighter and The Sunshine Award. Her blog was one of the first I started following upon entering the world of blogging this year. I love her honest and ridiculously relatable tales of relationships, dating, sex and all the joys that accompany the single life. I always find myself thinking “Me too!” while reading her candidly written blog posts.

So, thank you Teri! If you enjoy my blog, you’ll undoubtedly enjoy hers…. Perhaps even more than mine!

The rules for the Liebster Blog, Candle Lighter, and Sunshine Award are as follows:

* Show thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.

* Reveal your top picks for these awards and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog. I didn’t want to make too long of a list, but these are some of my favorites.

My picks for the Liebster Blog Award, Candle Lighter Award and the Sunshine Award are…

Snarky Snatch

HowToDateBoys

The Reluctant Monogamist

Peipie

All Hands on Dick

Wild Geese That Fly

SWF -Adventures in Dating

* Post the awards on your blog.

dating blogs award, dating blog award
dating blog award, dating blogs award
dating blog award, dating blogs award

Single on Valentine’s Day Survival Guide

12 Feb

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I hate Valentine’s Day. I love my boyfriend and look forward to a nice evening with him, but the mere thought of Valentine’s Day still sends chills down my spine. My last blog post discussed shitty advice for singles that should NEVER be followed on Valentine’s Day. Since we’re nearing the big day, I guess it’s time to focus on how you can ease the blow of this nasty Hallmark holiday.

1. Girl’s Night Out/Friends Night Out – Find at least one single friend and hit the town. Try a new trendy restaurant or visit an old favorite. Dress in your sexiest clothes to make the coupled up men (or women) wish they were with you instead of their boring old spouse/date. It’s mean, yet mildly satisfying to watch a date become appalled when they catch their partner checking you out.

Best Valentines Day ideas, single on valentines day

This is what they mean by single and fabulous.

Upon arrival, quickly order drinks. Hell, order a bottle of wine with martini’s on the side. After you’ve downed a significant amount of alcohol, you can start picking out all the couples that are uglier than you. Laugh at them (just be discreet). The two (or more) of you are free to make all the snide remarks you want amongst each other. Remind yourselves that if 90 percent of patrons in the place can find someone, you’re situation isn’t hopeless.

After you’ve pigged out on your favorite dish, drink some more. Fuck it, keep drinking because you deserve it. If there was any day throughout the year that was made for drinking – Valentine’s Day is the one. Next, hit up your favorite bars. Make it a point to obtain at least one phone number before you head home. If no one at the bar suits your fancy, find another bar. Just keep drinking. It will make the night more enjoyable. Drink, laugh and flirt the night away. Kiss a stranger. Do karaoke. Dance. Just have fun.

2. If partaking in a month’s worth of drinking over the course of one night isn’t your thing and you’re lamenting your single status, here’s an idea for you. If you choose to stay in and relax on Valentine’s Day, why not take some steps to be more proactive in your dating life? If you’re not happy being solo, there’s no better day to sign up for a dating site and complete your profile. By taking a step to improve your dating options, you’ll instantly feel more optimistic. A note of caution – do not email anyone on Feb. 14th because you’ll look desperate. Wait a few days before initiating any communication. Try looking into singles events in your city. Meet-up offers plenty of singles-related events and groups. There’s also speed dating…. Which I’ve never tried, but it seems like an interesting concept. Check out what’s happening in your town and plan to attend.

3. Spoil yourself. If getting wasted with friends or signing up for dating sites won’t work- treat yourself that $300 dollar purse you’ve been eyeing. Go and fork over the cash for those pricey shoes or earrings you’ve wanted. Hit up the mall and take yourself on a shopping spree. You deserve it. coach purse

4. Last but not least, don’t forget to reminisce about your past relationships and how shitty they were. It’s always better to be single and free than to be tied down with someone who doesn’t make you happy. It’s called a break-up because it was broken.

Thirty and single on Valentine’s Day? What NOT to do

7 Feb

Single on Valentine’s Day? I’m not this year, but I still loathe the holiday. I’ve spent the bulk of my life being single on Valentine’s Day, so all those fucking cupids, teddy bears and sappy commercials make me cringe. My time as a single woman won’t let me forget how it feels to spend Valentine’s Day alone. Valentine’s Day is a holiday that serves as a slap in the face to nearly 50 percent of the U.S. population. That’s right – half of Americans are single, but the heavy marketing power of Valentine’s Day doesn’t want you to know. Nope – the goal of Valentine’s Day is to make you feel really, really shitty if you don’t have a significant other to spend it with. After all, you are not partaking in their marketing ploy. V-Day tricks you into feeling like a pathetic loser because you’re choosing to ride solo. Valentine’s Day is a mean mother fucker.

fuck valentines day i hate valentines day

Fuck Valentine's Day

You can’t ignore Valentine’s Day. It won’t let you. So, many articles offer tips on what to do if you’re single on Valentine’s Day. Like it’s the end of the world or something. These “helpful” tips will probably make you feel a whole lot shittier. Here are some really bad Valentine’s Day ideas “dating experts” think you could implement to combat the single on Valentine’s Day blues. Don’t do them.

1. Take yourself to the movies.
2. Turn up the music and dance around the house.
3. Stay on the couch and watch your favorite chick flicks.
4. Wear lingerie to bed just for you. (What is the point?)
5. Flirt with an old boyfriend on Facebook.
6. Think about what you want in your next relationship.
7. Light candles and take a long, soothing bath.
8. Dress to the nines and go to the grocery store. (This is my favorite!)
9. Redecorate your bedroom.
10. If you’re recently single, change your Facebook status to single. (Well, that sounds like a blast.)
11. Go to a sporting event alone and cheer.
12. Sleep on the “other” side of the bed.
13. Volunteer. (Well, maybe seeing folks at a soup kitchen will make you feel better about your own life)
14. Talk to couples and seek out the true meaning of Valentine’s Day.
15. Eat chocolate. (Then what?)
16. Plan to start therapy. (I can’t make this shit up!)

Did I go to the gym? No. I hate the gym.

6 Feb

I’m not an athletic person. I loathe sports and anything mildly related to sports. I couldn’t run a half mile if my life depended on it. That being said, it’s a daily fight to get my ass to the gym. I planned to visit the gym today, I really did. However, with a little procrastination and nausea (getting over a stomach bug), my “get in shape spirit” was unable to prevail over the temptation of my couch yet again. Here’s how my lazy side won (always does) in the mental struggle of trying to force myself to the pit of agony otherwise known as Urban Active.

people at the gym

Why are they fucking smiling?

This evening’s thought process that led me to not go to the gym (again):
*I’m not feeling so hot, but I really should go. It’s been almost a week.
*My headphones are missing again.
*God, I feel sick. Much too sick to be combing the house for those missing headphones.
*Where the hell is my sports bra?
*Ugh… my tennis shoes are still wet from walking the dog.
*I really should go to the gym.
*I’ll put my yoga pants on – then I’ll go.
*Seriously, where the hell is my sports bra?
*I’ll go to the gym after I read what’s happening on Huffington Post
* What’s that Huffington Post? A slideshow of the 13 creepiest children’s toys? Don’t mind if I do!
*I didn’t make my new workout playlist. I really don’t feel like doing that now. Plus, I’d have to sync it…. Ugh.
*I need to find that sports bra. And those headphones. I can’t go without them.
*I’m so nauseous.
*Maybe I can just go and skip cardio all together – just do those thigh toning things and be done in 15 minutes.
*Oh look, my best friend just sent me a Facebook message. Better respond.
*I just spent ten minutes looking for that sports bra. Still missing. It’s a sign, I’m not meant to go to the gym today.
*Ugh… I feel sick. I can’t imagine lifting weights or jumping on the elliptical. I’ll probably barf.
*How is it already 8:00? Kinda late for the gym now.
*I went almost every day last year and didn’t lose a pound.
*I swear, I’m hungrier after I work out and wind up eating more! My late night eating binge will negate any calories burned, so why bother?
*It’s pretty cold out there. I’ll bet my car won’t even warm up before I get there.
*Maybe I can force myself to get up early and go tomorrow morning.
*Make that lunch, I’ll go tomorrow at lunch time instead. Yeah, that’s it.
*Man, I feel guilty that I didn’t go to the gym. There’s NO excuse.
*I should’ve gone to the gym. I’m so lazy!
*I better find that sports bra and headphones before tomorrow.
*Isn’t there some new show on tv tonight?
*Yeah, I’ll totally go to the gym tomorrow.

couch versus gym

Now here's a reason to smile

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 521 other followers